LET'S GO FISHING 

Step 1. Get a fishing license. They can be obtained at Andy and Bax, located at 324 SE Grand. For $19.75, an Oregon resident can purchase a license good for an entire year, which allows you to reel in common fish such as trout or bass. For an additional $16.50, one can purchase a more fancy license, allowing you to fish for salmon, steelhead, or sturgeon.

Step 2. Borrow a pole and some bait. (Or purchase them at Ollie Damon's, located at 236 SE Grand. we don't really care.)

Step 3. Find a fishing hole. Some good recommendations are the Nehalem River, the Santiam River, Clackamas, Twin Lakes, and Crane Praire. Or, if you're lazy and impulsive, simply drive out to the Sandy River and, avoiding the swimmers, find a quiet spot.

Step 4. Catch a fish.

Step 5. Decide if you're going to keep the fish, or throw it back. If you're throwing it back, dip your hand in the river before grabbing the fish. This prevents the fish from catching any human cooties or diseases.

Step 6. Keeping it? Then you need to gut it. First, make sure the fish dies as quickly as possible. I recommend smashing its head with a rock. A club, like a baseball bat, also works well. Dead? Good. Cut the fish down the abdomen from the jaws to the tail. The sharper the knife, the better. Then cut the head at the gills. Some people like to cut the head completely off and pull the organs out, while others like to simply sever the head, and pull the organs out while also pulling the head off.

Step 7. Tuck slices of lemon into the now-empty belly of the fish, wrap in tinfoil and throw directly into the embers of a campfire. Cook until the foil is lightly blackened. Eat, and try not to dwell on the fact you just clubbed a poor innocent fish to death.

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