LETTERS TO THE EDITOR 

ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER

RE: Film listings [Sept 11].

TO WHOEVER GIVES A SHIT—My film Targeting Iran is screening tonight. A timely and important film perhaps?? What is your pick for the night? A 1998 Steven Soderbergh release. So when your dipshit readership is asked, "What were you doing when Obama started World War III?" they will answer "Watching Catherine Zeta-Jones with a gun. She's sooo hot!" I'm also screening Source to Sea: The Columbia River Swim tonight. When I toured with the film a few years back, of all of the reviews from BC to California, your review was the only shitty one the film received. This time around, not even a listing. Of the 30-plus papers I've dealt with over the years, the Mercury is by far the most arrogant, unprofessional, and out of touch.

Andy Norris

MERCURY FILM EDITOR ERIK HENRIKSEN RESPONDS! While now is a great time to point out that the Mercury's listings and recommendations are for the benefit of filmgoers rather than filmmakers (and that both Source to Sea and Targeting Iran were, in fact, included in our listings), I'd also like to address a far more important matter: Catherine Zeta-Jones isn't in Out of Sight. I think you've confused her with JLo? So that's kind of racist of you.

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A DIFFERENT TUNE

RE: "A Sad Song" [I, Anonymous, Sept 11], from a musician complaining about people in bars and restaurants who don't tip for live music.

While it is great if customers in bars and clubs tip musicians, it's also totally not expected—and, if it is, the musicians must really suck. A tip jar in front of the band is voluntary—expecting it is lame.

Bobby Madness

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ESCAPE FROM BAD MOVIES

RE: My, What a Busy Week! [Sept 11], our weekly arts and events picks.

DEAR MERCURY—In the latest issue under My, What a Busy Week! there is a piece on the film Escape from New York playing at the Hollywood Theatre. The piece notes that director John Carpenter and star Kurt Russell have done three films together, when they have actually done four. Escape from New York in 1981, The Thing in 1982, Big Trouble in Little China in 1986, and Escape from LA in 1996.

Nicky Buttons

MERCURY FILM EDITOR ERIK HENRIKSEN RESPONDS (AGAIN)! That My, What a Busy Week! piece was actually carefully written to note that John Carpenter and Kurt Russell made "three fantastic movies" together. In other words, the write-up is accurate, because Escape from LA is a piece of shit.

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AN UNSUBTLE EXERCISE IN SARCASM

RE: "The Stuff of Nightmares" [News, Sept 11], on the ongoing process of a plan to relocate the homeless rest area Right 2 Dream Too.

DEAR MERCURY—The homeless under the bridge. There is a veritable mine of self-replenishing pigeon guano rotting away the superstructure under the Broadway Bridge. The homeless can collect the guano, sell it to fertilizer, chemical, and bomb manufacturers, and finally "get a real job!" Under a bridge is special, so close to transit, yet so... removed. Living among the droppings, what with the avian flu and all, is a real opportunity to self-develop immunities! And on the other hand, if that doesn't work, there is also the opportunity to develop a real killer version of avian flu, let's call it "pigeon flu." We would culture it and export that upon "evildoers" around the world.

Johnny B. Goode

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COVER ISSUES

RE: Cover art [Aug 28, Sept 4, and Sept 11].

DEAR MERCURY—First was the Cousin Itt-esque kinda artsy, kinda creepy cover. Oh well, tastes vary. Then, attack of the revolting hairy man chest. Got trichophilia? "Next week will be better," I told myself. But then... child clown. What did I do to deserve this? I work two jobs, serving delicious food and locally roasted coffee, and teaching yoga. I drink locally brewed beer, recycle, and am kind to animals. Oh, Mercury, why the animosity? I would bring you flowers and a $6 apology cupcake but... can't leave the house; clowns EVERYWHERE!!!! 

You Know Who

OH DEAR, YKW, we didn't mean to frighten you... but it's awesome that we did! In exchange for your emotional distress, we offer you this week's letter of the week title, with two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, where you can choose from funny, sad, or terrifying.

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