Illustration by Script and Seal

UNFUNNY FARTS

RE: "All Tomorrow's Bovines" [Feature, March 19], regarding the latest scientific approaches to contending with the effects of climate change caused by dairy farming.

DEAR MERCURY—My girlfriend is half Norwegian and half vegan, so by the power invested in me, I hereby award Nathan Gilles and the Portland Mercury the Poo-litzer Prize for 2014, in multiple categories—Pooblic Service, Breaking Wind Reporting, Fecal Reporting, Flatulence Writing, and of course, Eructative Reporting. My friends in the organic dairy industry will no longer be able to protest when I fart in their general direction.

Michael


$15 NOW?

RE: "Bare Minimum" [Feature, March 26], regarding city council candidate Nick Caleb, whose primary campaign issue is to push for raising Portland's minimum wage to $15.

I am unsure why some establishment economists would be concerned that we could create too much justice for workers by going to $15 an hour. Part of the progressive poverty-wage-penalty-tax proposal could go toward small business subsidies to allow them to compete and pay their workers higher wages as well. Supporting local workers can go hand-in-hand with supporting local small businesses.

sethwoolley

Of course, I'm all in favor of increasing the minimum wage, but to such a jump? There just happens to be that pesky thing called "inflation," which would be bound to happen as these raises work their way up the food chain. This whole drastic approach seems to me more of a feel-good measure, rather than grounded in reality—which makes me think Caleb is not yet ready for office.

posted by frankieb

Workers need to have money to pay rent and buy food, plain and simple—it'd be better if they had money to afford schooling for their children, medical care, etc. Is it really that crazy that everyone who has a job should be able to count on $30,000 a year? That's still a very low yearly salary.

Tori Cole


SICK SOLIDARITY

RE: "Prick" [I, Anonymous, March 26], in which an anonymous author recounts being pricked by a discarded hypodermic needle while on the job at a downtown bar.

To the gal who got stuck with the trash bag needle at work: Two years ago, while changing trash bags at my quasi-fast food restaurant, I got stabbed in the wrist with a needle. I missed a work party that night to get a series of shots in my ass and arms. The medication made me sick and depressed and it sucked. Your month of medication may be tough and frustrating, [and] I encourage you to seek out love and support from your family, and maybe smoke a little pot or get milk thistle, 'cause the medication for prevention may very well cause severe nausea. Its sucks a butt, I know, but I believe in you!

A


CULT CLASSIC

RE: Jerry Masterson [2003-2010], one of our former junior correspondents, known for pronouncing a variety of people, places, and things as "fucked."

HELLO—I'm a 16-year-old pupil who currently resides in Wales, UK (not that you GAF). Now, I'd be lying if I said I knew anything about your magazine or what you post—actually I wouldn't. There is one set of articles I know like the back of my hand. Those are the ones written by JERRY FUNNY-AS-FUCK MASTERSON! In case the Portland Mercury powers that be weren't aware, the kid's articles are ALL OVER gag sites, people LOVE him. Some of my favorites include "Summer Camp Was Fucked" and "Uncle Todd Is Fucked." However, it's also come to my attention that we haven't seen one of his articles since 2010!! This is fucked—and this is a non-debatable point. IT'S WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT!

Shahenaz

THINK ABOUT IT, Shahenaz, Jerry Masterson must be... what? Almost 20 years old by now, which makes him just another adult person tossing F-bombs. Maybe we'll look into it, though, just for old time's sake. Maybe. Oh! And you also won this week's Mercury letter of the week! Ordinarily we'd give you two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater but that's not going to do you much good from over there in Wales. So how about a virtual hug, huh? There we go.