YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—You know, today's Saturday, and I first heard about your paper last night. I was interested in getting some information, but no one's picking up the phone. You know, it floors me how many people rely on voicemail. I, for one, hate voicemail, and I normally don't leave messages. To me, using voicemail is like hiding from customers. It's another way of telling customers that, "We really don't want your business." You know, I think you might consider having someone there, even on the weekend, to answer your phone. Because as it is now, I probably won't be calling back to find out your [ad] rates or anything. See ya.
ACTING OUT OF OUR UNHAPPINESS
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—Hello! I'm reading an article in your most recent Mercury [One Day at a Time, March 12] by Ann Romano, where she criticizes Detroit. Come on—let's be for real. Portland in and of itself probably doesn't deserve the title of "Unhappiest City in America," but to rag on Detroit is one, weak as hell; secondly, undeserving; and third, you basically need to look at yourself before you go criticizing another city. I'm from Detroit, and Detroit, even at its worst condition, has a hell of a lot more going on for it than Portland. Ann Romano really needs to pull her head out of her ass and actually go to Detroit and live a real life rather than sitting back on her fat ass, doing nothing but criticizing the city of Detroit. Grow up! Please!
DEAR PORTLAND—Why do you think this new I-5 bridge is all about you [Letters to the Editor, March 12]? The existing bridge is almost 100 years old (paid for by Vancouver), the only interstate lift bridge still in use in the country, and is woefully inadequate for all the people who need to use it. In the future they may be more efficient or electric, but the personal automobile isn't going anywhere, which means there's going to be a lot more of them. A 12-lane bridge may seem like a monstrosity at this point, but in 30 or 40 years it will still be something serving the greater good. Considering the cost of the bridge will be in the billions, doesn't that make sense? If it was built undersized for projected usage and that money had to be spent to build a new larger bridge down the road, wouldn't you be angry about that? Also a larger bridge with light rail and better pedestrian and bike access will take quite a few cars off the road, and isn't that what you want?
Don't be hatin' on Vancouver so much—how many of you have even come across the river to see downtown Vancouver? My wife is an Oregon native and I've lived in P-town for almost 10 years, so it's bewildering to us that we now fit under the blanket opinion that everyone in Portland seems to have about Vancouver. There's plenty of dumbasses on both sides of the river—hell, you got Gresham, should we judge all of you on that? We're always going to be your dorky little brother, Portland, so instead of being a dick to us why not realize that we're all family and what's good for the goose is good for the gander. You may hate the traffic, but I'm pretty certain you wouldn't go without the PBRs and smokes that need to use those roads to get to you. Think hard about what you are really willing to give up to not have that bridge built and I bet you will be more open about viewpoints other than your own.
-Stuck in the 'Tuck
LIKE A ROCK
ERIK [HENRIKSEN]—You wrote: "I am a fan of the Rock. This is because the Rock is fucking awesome." ["This Week's Mercury Film Section," March 13, blogtown.portlandmercury.com] Are you a professional writer paid for his expertise with the English language? Or a high school freshman writing a note to his best pal Stevie? I honestly can't tell.
EXACTLY, HAYDEN! You CAN'T tell, and therein lies the genius. Thanks for noticing. You win two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, where the soup is also fucking awesome.