DIVIDED IN HALF
DEAR MERCURY—In your June 4 pullout [Queer Issue], billed as a guide to "Portland's LGBT community," neither the word "transgender" nor the word "transsexual" appeared once in 15 pages' worth of articles. Folks, drag queens are swell, but that doesn't justify only paying attention to gender-variant people when we're being all freaky and entertaining and shit. What's more, the only overtly bi person mentioned in those 15 pages is a dead guy (Jerome Robbins). Did you mean to delineate the headline "Divided We Stand" by omitting half the letters in "LGBT"?
TIMBERS WARM FUZZIES
TO THE EDITOR OF THE PORTLAND MERCURY—(An open letter to the Portland metro area:) From what I've observed in the media the Timbers Army have been portrayed as basically a bunch of thugs. But from what I witnessed at my first Timbers match on May 30 versus the Vancouver Whitecaps, that is the wrong impression to give the city of Portland and anyone who might want to get involved with this fanbase. At the Bitter End Pub some Whitecaps fans came in after watching their team get beat 2-0 and being heckled throughout. One guy offered to buy one a beer. If that isn't THE definition of sportsmanship, I don't know what is. Further, the TA co-mingled well with the Whitecaps fans. That's all I needed to see.
HEY MERCURY STAFF—Thanks for being a brain-dead SHILL for Big Pharma! Your news article "In Other News" [News, June 11] about how great it is that insurance will be paying for the HPV vaccine is a prime example of swallowing the mainstream media brainwash corporate news they feed you without checking facts, questioning, or keeping your brain intact long enough to let a little discernment come into play. There are numerous harmless treatments and avoidance behavior for cervical cancer, but Big Pharma God MERCK isn't gonna tell us about them as long as there's a couple billion to be made with free advertising courtesy of suckers like the Mercury working for them. But the puppy mills? Yes. Pure evil. Glad they ruled against them.
FROM ON HIGH
DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY—I was so glad you brought the guy Daydream Nightshade to my attention ["I'll Have You Know This is A Perfectly Legitimate Form of Transportation," New Column!, June 11]. I wear the top hat on the tall bike in this town and I was upset to know that another top-hatted traveler was misusing their right to the height. Stepping on the hoods of cars and backing up traffic is BULLSHIGGIT! You gotta be bad ass to sport the tall bike and being bad ass means free mounting! It also means making Portlanders glad to see you. I wish I could share how much love I get every day. I like to hand out flyers for my shows (that's what the top hat is for...), it's a great way to get butts in seats. Now I'm a celebrity judge for the "Stumptown Joustdown" in Colonel Summers Park on June 20. I think Nightshade should come and joust against me in a naked exhibition match; loser gets a chest shave!!!!!!!!!!! Warning! Achtung! Cuidado! (1) I graduated from superbadmutherfucker school. (2) My top hat is also a helmet... Nightshade's looks like he got it at the Dollar Scholar. (3) My tall bike was built by a guy who built Rose Festival floats... Nightshade's looks like it was glued together by drunken Santas. But an encouragement to Nightshade: Don't worry dude, you don't have to ask your moms for money, the "Stumptown Joustdown" is free.
-Dingo Dizmal the Clown
OKAY DUDE, just this once and only because it's Pedalpalooza: Dingo wins the Mercury letter of the week, along with two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where you should always remove your top hat before you dine, like civilized folk.