ORIFICE LEAKAGE (IN A GOOD WAY)
DEAR LINDY WEST—While reading your compilation of the different kinds of people there are, I laughed so hard that it hurt ["The Different Kinds of People that There Are," Feature, Aug 6]. I had to stop before fluids started leaking from all of my orifices—no, seriously!
RELIEF FROM GREASY EYELASHES
LINDY—I just wanted to say that I very much enjoyed "The Different Kinds of People that There Are" [Feature, Aug 6]. And even though I happen to fall into the category "People Who Are Quietly Less Than $100 Away from Complete Destitution," which also subsequently qualifies me for "People Who Are Mean to Hobos," it was "People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns" that endeared me to this article. Anyway, like I said before, I'm broke, unemployed, actually new to the area, and slightly testy with John Doe, who goes from asking for a quarter to asking for a dollar without the slightest bat of his greasy eyelashes, but I very much enjoyed the article.
YOU ARE WHAT YOU HATE
DEAR MERCURY—All you whiny, sycophantic, I, Anonymous crybabies with your I-nane tantrums [I, Anonymous, weekly]. You're as lame as the I Saw U cowards who, not having had the balls to actually approach someone they want to fuck, somehow muster the gumption to write a cutesie ad. I have no doubt, retards, that when you get your "anonymous" little tirade "published," the first thing you do is twatter all your forgettable friends to make sure you still exist by making sure they know it was you behind the predictable/privileged/entitled/white/sheltered/desperate/insignificant gripe about how very inconvenienced you've been. About how difficult your boring little middle-class life is.
HEY YOU, YOU'RE RACIST!
DEAR JADENE MAYLA—I empathize with your being upset by the picture [in the feature], but I think that drawing represents Portland's demographics pretty well ["People Who Don't Get It," Letters, Aug 13, regarding "The Different Kinds of People that There Are," Feature, Aug 6]. It's amusing—I was just speaking with a friend back east about how utterly white this city is, yet everyone acts so high and mighty about equal rights, but are secretly somewhat racist. How many minority friends do you have? And why are these minorities generally only living in strategic areas... think about it.
CIGARS 'N' APPLE PIE
DEAREST PORTLAND—To those few, misguided souls out there who are all in a tizzy about recalling Mayor Sam Adams: Grow the fuck up ["786 Signatures, Every Day," News, Aug 13]. I mean Portland might be the podunk of major US cities, but hello? Real-world politics is all about the hustle and the graft, the bottom line being to get things done, whatever it takes. When we vote, we vote for those who we believe will best represent our interests and actually accomplish things in line with those interests. And when things go wrong, we expect our leaders to abide by that age-old politician adage: "Admit nothing. Deny everything. Make counter-accusations." It's as American as cigars and apple pie. Wake up.
DEAR MERCURY—Thank you, Mercury, for running Ryan North's Dinosaur Comics [Fun Page, weekly]. I bust[ed] a gut after reading the culminating August 13 strip. The set up and execution are brilliant. My luck to have read the punch-strip in Portland, Oregon. Sheer genius. Now pass the morphine.
WOAH THERE JEFF, take it easy on the hard stuff and turn to pg. 47 for another dose of Dinosaur Comics instead, whydontcha? You can top that off with two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where the food is evolutionary.