DEAR MERCURY—To the person that wrote the I, Anonymous letter about the pear tree ["Low Hanging Fruit," Aug 27]. You know what, lighten the eff up. The first time I came to Portland I was 20 years old, [and] that day walking into town I was amazed to see that an apple was growing on a tree. Fruit doesn't grow on trees in Texas, I lived there for 20 years and the only thing that ever fell from a tree was a pecan. So I ask you, PLEASE... move out of this city and live on a farm with a shotgun, your paranoid delusions, and a pear tree and make this city a better place for all of us.



DEAR MERCURY—In response to Rdweathers' letter to the editor titled "Morals: Missing" [Letters, Sept 3]: I did not read Humphrey's article last week because any of those "key words" jumped out to reel me in ["My So-Called Hell," I Love Television, Aug 27]. I read it because his concise and depraved humor makes me laugh to the point of pissing my pants. My opinion to you, Mr./Mrs. Morality Rapist, is that you need to grow a sense of humor with that deformed backbone of yours. Laughter is a better medicine than "morals." And by "morals," I mean the forceful pursuit of keeping people living in fear by stifling their giggles because mom might hit their knuckles with a rolling pin.

-I <3 Kitty Porn


In response to "AlphaMonk543" and "Crake Bailey" ["Exploited by Eyes" and "To Your Health," Letters, Sept 3], as well as others who insist on reducing the stance of myself and the Portland Feminist Action League (PFAL) to complete drivel, I would like to state, for the record: We believe in animal rights ["Feminists vs. PETA," News, Aug 27]. Caring about animals does not, however, have anything to do with whether I (or anyone else for that matter) am fat, thin, or anywhere in between. Being critical of PETA's tactics is not, actually, my favorite way to spend free time. It's just that their beer commercial approach to animal rights is tired, played out, boring, offensive, and divisive. Individual women have the power to do whatever they want with their bodies, and we never said otherwise. We do believe, however, that utilizing the Carl's Jr. aesthetic to promote animal rights is simple minded, silly, and counter-productive.

-Erin Fairchild, feminist


DEAR MERCURY—Oh Mercury, why do you vex me so? While I was pleased you devoted some much-deserved attention to the Oregon Symphony, I was disappointed by your reviewer's comment that, for him, Beethoven usually falls into the "yaaaawn category" ["A Year in Strings," Music, Sept 3] Ludwig von Fucking Beethoven!? For those who will listen, his music continues to be more modern, more interesting, and more complex than most anything else you'll hear today. Mr. [Stephen Marc] Beaudoin can take his too-cool-for-school attitude and shove it up his a-hole.

-Brian Horay


Who the hell u callin' a prick ["The Warm Nostalgia of Choking Bad Boys," Geek Out, Sept 3]????? FUCK KEVIN CONROY, CHRISTIAN BALE IS THE BEST MOST SEXIEST MOST GENUINE BATMAN EVER TO DON THE FREAKIN' SUIT, CAPE, OR COWL!!!!!! Stop pickin' on him, jealous much??? Conroy can kiss my Bat ass, cause Christian will be back in black come 2011!!!!! Christian ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BALEHEADS RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULE!!!!!!!!!!!!

-posted by BALE*IS*BEST*BATMAN on

BECAUSE WE RESPECT PASSION, BALE*IS*BEST*BATMAN wins this week's Mercury letter of the week! That means prizes! Two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where Christian Bale gets a VIP table.