SWIMMING WITH PHISHIES
DEAR MERCURY—As an avid Phish fan for over 10 years now, I have to say that Matthew Vollono has no idea what the fuck he is talking about ["The Continued Decline of Western Civilization," Feature, Sept 10]. Okay, so people get fucked up. This attempt at music journalism proves Vollono to be just another über-hip Portland columnist who apparently can't [get] a hard-on for anything pure.
DEAR MERCURY—Well done Matt [Vollono], well done indeed ["The Continued Decline of Western Civilization," Feature, Sept 10]. Bravo for getting out of the house, and extra kudos for making it to a place that holds aesthetic value other than a sign saying, "$1.50 PBRs if you have cut-off jeans, a mustache, and a fixed gear bike." Your attempt to correlate the demise of Western society with a Phish lot scene is dismal, unfitting, and absurd to say the least. Highlighting the fact that Phish fans are more prone to drug use is fucking eye opening, Matt. Next you are going to write a piece on how country music fans consume a lot of whiskey in the parking lots of shows. Go fuck yourself.
SOMEWHERE NORTH OF HIPSTERVILLE
DEAR MERCURY—In reference to your story "Travels in Tacoville" [Last Supper, Sept 10], I noticed La Superior as being listed in St. Johns, no dude it's Kenton area. St. Johns doesn't start until after the Welcome to St. Johns sign way out on Lombard near the, um, you guessed it, St. Johns Bridge. Dang, first gentrification with all these granola earth muffins on bikes changing North Portland to stupid NoPo to people not knowing their areas of North Portland... there's Kenton, Arbor Lodge, St. Johns, and hipsterville, which is Mississippi. Oh and the best place to get tacos in Portland is actually La Casita restaurant on SE Morrison.
DEAR MERCURY—Can someone please get Wm. Steven Humphrey to stop writing about his boner? This past issue's TV column ["The Boner Diaries," I Love Television, Sept 10], the issue before that in a movie review ["Ben Affleck's Beard," film review of Extract, Sept 3], and probably the next issue. Just look at his TV column photo. That smile can only mean that he's either got a boner or he's thinking about having one. I don't want to discourage Wm. Steven Humphrey from having boners, just spare us from having to read about them.
VAMPIRES HATE BONERS
DEAR MERCURY—JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ["The Boner Diaries," I Love Television, Sept 10]!! YOU ARE NO WRITER! YOUR BONER DIARIES COMMENTARY WAS FUCKING DISGUSTING!! YOU MAKE ME HATE VAMPIRISM, SOMETHING I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FOND OF!! WHAT POSSESSES A SCUMBAG FUCK LIKE YOU TO PLACE YOUR INSIGNIFICANT AND CHILDISH, SAD, LUDICROUS, POOR HUMORED, FUCK I COULD WASTE MY WHOLE DAY GOING ON... REMARKS IN A PAPER FOR ALL TO READ IS WAY FUCKING BEYOND ME!!! NO YOU ARE NO WRITER! NO CRITIC! AND JUST PICTURING WATCHING A VAMPIRE MOVIE WITH YOUR NASTY DICK IN YOUR MOUTH IS MORE THAN MY STOMACH CAN HANDLE!!! STICK TO SELLING CARS YOU RETARDED FUCK UP!!
-EXTREMELY BORED & TURNED OFF READER
EBTOR, YOU MUST BE A VAMPIRE. It's understandable that stake-like boners would threaten vampires, and we're sorry. So we're giving you the Mercury letter of the week, with two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where you can order food and pretend to be a human.