THE BEST MERCURY
Welcome to the annual roundup of the year's very best angry, sad, funny, and strange missives to your favorite Portland weekly. We look forward to provoking a whole new spectrum of responses from you in 2016, too!
YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT THAT COUCH
RE: "You're Wrong About That" [New Column! Jan 7], in which new columnist Francine Colman-Gutierrez informs you about things you're wrong about... including buying a couch at IKEA.
I just bought a black leather couch at IKEA, and it's awesome. Fuck you.
posted by Detailguy
THANK YOU DR. BEN, WHOEVER YOU ARE
RE: A spell caster! A spell caster? Look, we don't know.
Thanks to Dr. Ben for bringing back my ex. I wish I had met this great spell caster before! My husband has just come back home to me and everything happened just the way he had said it. I am so happy that I contacted him and now I have my husband back to my family. If you all that are here have not tried him, you just have to do so, and get your heart's desires fulfilled. Stop being doubtful, I have tested him and I am now a fulfilled woman. DR. BENEDICT MAGICAL SPELL IS VERY GREAT AND POWERFUL IN ACTION. THANK YOU FOR THE HAPPINESS YOU BROUGHT ON ME, DR. BENEDICT.
THE KITTEN WARS
RE: "Will Someone Please Adopt... Scruffles, the GOP Kitten?" [New Column! Feb 25], an adoption posting for a Republican kitten—free to good, heterosexual home that does not rely on government assistance—along with the contact number for Multnomah County Republicans.
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—Mr. Humphrey, this is Eric Fruits. I'm chair of the Multnomah County Republican Party. I'm calling about an article or something... I guess it was supposed to be funny, that ran the other day about Scruffles the cat. Normally I like a joke as much as the next guy, but we're getting some very nasty phone calls because—believe it or not—people think we're going to do mean things to this cat. So, the article ends up not being very funny. I would like to talk to you about taking down that article or publishing some sort of correction that this was not something published by the Multnomah County Republican Party. Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
JUST A LOVE LETTER
DEAR MERCURY—I set forth to conquer the beautiful Sunday that lay ahead of me. My plan was simple: Pick up this week's copy of the Mercury, wander to the park, and enjoy a romantic picnic for one in the sun. I walked past a few of my usual pick-up points, only to be disappointed. "Well, at least they aren't having any trouble with circulation," I calmly thought to myself. Then I approached my last option: a box on the corner of NW 21st & Flanders. Empty. My beautiful plan, shat on in the blink of an eye. "Must I REALLY resort to a WW?!" I thought with dismay as I reached to open their box. Then, lo and behold. A most serendipitous moment. Only one copy lay in that box... and it was a Mercury. Thank you, oh gods of entertainment and information, for your divine intervention so I could continue with my day—nay, life.
SUCKING IN A GOOD WAY
RE: "Debate Club" [Music, July 1], a heated debate over Van Halen: yes or no?
The intro to "(Oh!) Pretty Woman" is called "Intruder," and yeah, why the fuck isn't that its own song? Oh, and let's see... "Eruption" is still great as a document of a guitarist at his most unfuckwithable. Yes, it is masturbatory. That's kind of the point. Hagar's fucking atrocious, and I'm pretty sure Michael Anthony being dumped from the band later on was due to his still being loyal to an idiot like Sammy. Almost all of the songs are ruined by Dave's lyrics. My favorite moments are the very weird ones, like "Tora! Tora!/Loss of Control" and "Outta Love Again." But almost all of their stuff suffers whenever that idiot opens his mouth. But I still gotta give it to Dave for being the only Dave out there. There wasn't one, so he had to invent one. I'm glad the rest that followed were nowhere near as successful. He entertains me. And he sucks.
posted by rich bachelor
RE: "Raccoons: Nature's Monsters" [Feature, March 25], in which author Elinor Jones looks deep into the eyes of the animals in her backyard.
DEAR ELINOR JONES: FUCK YOU. RACCOONS ARE YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS. HERE IS A PICTURE OF ME AND MY FRIEND BRENDA. YOU'RE JUST A SHITTY FRIEND.
HISTORY IS HARD
RE: "Weed the People, for the People" [Cannabuzz, July 8], a recap of the historic Weed the People legalization celebration, which saw huge crowds and high temps.
I can't wait until my kids go to this event when they are grown and it is all nice and streamlined. Then I can say I remember the first cannabis legalization celebration... we had to stand in line for hours and people were passing out, and we walked seven miles through Portland to get there, with no shoes, too. The older I get, the more I enjoy telling exaggerated stories of how difficult things were back in the day. This event definitely makes that list.
posted by JAG
PETS! PETS! PETS!
RE: "Magic Friends: The Mercury's Annual Pet Issue!" [Feature, Aug 19], featuring reader-submitted pet photos (among other things).
DEAR MERCURY—I must thank you for putting my twins (Indie and Puss Puss) in with the rest of the pets in your pet issue. I have informed my manager at work that I will no longer need my job, as I will now become a full-time manager for my kit-uns. We will be doing poster paw stamping, PAWtographs, and meowing to many agents regarding several starring roles in some upcoming movies. We have a special meet and greet with Tardar Sauce, AKA Grumpy Cat, next week to really get the feel of what we are in for! If it weren't for you, my Mercury friends, our life would be the same as it was four days ago. We are stars!
CHANGE IS HARD
RE: "Welcome to Portland!" [Feature, Sept 16], the Mercury's guide to Portland for newcomers, including how to make friends, avoid the overrated, get around town, (not) apologize for moving here, and adjust to the weather.
ERIK [HENRIKSEN]—Your piece about the gloomy, depressing months was AWESOME! I read that after enjoying a beautiful sunny 75-degree September day outside. It crashed my mood immediately thinking of what lies ahead... very effective. And it's worse where I live, out at the west end of the Gorge. Some days in winter, it'll sit at 35 degrees in the fog and rain all day... geez. I have to tell myself to put down the broken pieces of the thermometer; don't hold them too close to my wrists. And how did you know??? How did you know that deep down inside I pray endlessly for a debilitating flood, ice storm, or windstorm? Does it show in my eyes? Very perceptive. I may do a reading of part of your piece during the OMSI Winter Weather Meeting we have each year. Of course I'll give you all the dark and gloomy credit you deserve.
Mark Nelsen, Chief Meteorologist, KPTV
THE WHEELS ON THE BUS...
RE: "You're Riding the Bus Wrong" [Feature, Sept 23], in which Erik Henriksen explains the ways in which you're riding the bus wrong, so that you can stop riding the bus wrong.
DEAR MERCURY—You forgot one important rule of riding the bus: Don't be a pedantic asshole! Fuck you, Erik! I can deal with the seat-hoggers, the speakerphone-music-blasters, and the oblivious first-timers, but it's the impatient, judgmental asshats like you—rolling their eyes and sneering—that make riding the bus a shitty experience. Fuck you, Erik! If there are seats available other than the one next to me, I'm gonna spread my legs and put my bag on the other seat because I want to be comfortable. If I get a call from a potential employer who might be offering me a better-paying job so I can someday afford a car and stop riding the goddamn bus, I'm gonna take that call and speak clearly. And if I'm sitting up front because no senior citizen or person with a disability needs that seat, I'm gonna get off through the front door, at my preferred fucking stop, because I pay $100 out of my crappy paycheck each month to do so. FUCK YOU, Erik! You're riding the bus wrong!