NAILED HIM, EXACTLY
DEAR STEVEN HUMPHREY—Fifty bucks says you're one of these guys who yells "fag" from your car and then speeds off so you don't have to back up your words? Another 50 says you probably couldn't think up something more engaging to write about, so you thought you'd profile the nerdy guy you knew in high school and pick on him ["Interview with a Stargate Nerd!" I Love Television, Oct 1]. Let me be the first to admit that I love the Stargate series, and I hope Stargate Universe succeeds brilliantly. Thing is that I don't just watch Stargate, but I actually frequent dive bars and take home the women who pansies like you only eyeball from afar in your Jägerbomb stupors, that is, of course, before you venture home to watch internet porn (which, by the way, is posted by nerds) and masturbate alone. Could that be the reason you feel the need to write such reductive columns and perhaps try to relive your glory days as a repressed homosexual jock? Truth be told, if my friends and I ever bumped into a douchebag like you on the street, we wouldn't hesitate to kick the ever-loving shit out of you.... But I don't want to take up too much of your time, because you're probably already late for that raging kegger at your old frat house where you dream about meeting girls who can maybe see past the over-gelled hair and the silly, unoriginal tribal tattoos I'm sure you have. Either way, consider the gauntlet thrown.
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
DEAR MERCURY—I just had to write and tell you I needed the belly laugh you gave me after reading your article about I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant ["I Didn't Know, OKAY?!?" I Love Television, Oct 8]. I do not have a lot of time to watch TV, but I did catch a couple of episodes of this show, and when the young girl went to the bathroom and delivered her baby in the toilet, I just had to step back and think about that one...!?
JESUS LOVES PDX
DEAR EDITOR—I generally agree with Matt Davis about the "smug fog" in Portland ["Down the P-Hole," Hall Monitor, Oct 8]. Matt takes me to task for my statement about Portland as Jesus' favorite city. I would too—it is an easily misconstrued statement. For what it's worth—here is the context, and my intent. I spoke at a Season of Service event sponsored by evangelical Christians. A number of speakers referenced Portland's liberal reputation, and past conflicts between progressives and evangelicals. As a progressive who doesn't wear his faith on his sleeve, I issued a challenge—in a lighthearted way—that Portland could become Jesus' favorite city. By that I meant a city committed to social justice, love, and understanding.
DEAREST MERCURY—Reading Hulk op-ed bring green tear to Hulk's eye ["One Hulk's Opinion," New Column! Oct 8]! Drunk, depressed Hulk write op-ed and then make personal ad on Mercury website for ladies of Portland! Hulk try everything to meet nice girl in Portland, but Portland women so cold! Hulk not make sweet, sweet love since long ago when Hulk friend [Mercury Music Editor] Ezra Ace Caraeff take Hulk to Crash Worship show in San Diego... Hulk take dose of grinch blotter and things get very strange... fiery image of Che Guevara... tear gas... frog-covered fruit orgy... Ezra hit in head with bottle... Hulk gulp down bag o' red wine... Hulk hook up with glittery serpentine girl, but then she transmogrifies into four-foot furry black moth and flutters away into night... Hulk walk along beach at 6 am. Alone. Hulk so lonely!!
AW, POOR HULK. Hulk wins the Mercury letter of the week, complete with two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where you're sure to fall in love... with the food.