THUS, THE OFFICE-WIDE TWEED BAN
DEAR MERCURY—Wow. Another weak-ass music section. Is it possible for you overeducated dweebs to maybe drop the bullshit crap folk/dance garbage obsession to maybe cover some fucking metal once in a while? Or possibly stop blathering about Explode into Colors every fucking issue? Not one word on eyehategod this week? Fucking Califone ["Sound and Vision," Music, Dec 3]? It's beginning to look a lot like the Doug Fir's show listings—week after week of pretentious garbage for pretentious knock-kneed hipster fucks. Stop wearing tweed in the office and put on some leather for fuck's sake. Did I say "fuck" enough? Horns up, assholes!
SARAH MIRK'S CAPACITY
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL: Hey Portland Mercury, Sarah Mirk is HOT and she should be on every one of your guyses... um... covers? She should also be in way more pictures in your guyses editions. Because this edition of the Mercury [excited woman in the background: "Sooo hoooot!] was like the best one EVER and you guys should always be frontin' with pictures of Sarah Mirk! Oh god! I think maybe a new column with Sarah Mirk in some sort of capacity would be a really good idea. Because she's smokin' hot and Portland needs a new sex symbol. Damn. ["Damn!"] Damn. ["Damn!"] It's just, you guys don't even know what you've got—you've got a goldmine here. [Passes the phone to excited female: "A goldmine, oh my GOD! Sarah Mirk is so smokin', I can't even BELIEVE how smokin' she is! Dude, you should totally put like a column up in the Portland Mercury with Sarah Mirk, 'cause that would be rad."] More than the news, because she is the news, and you guys really need to publish the news more. Because if the Willamette Week has anything to say, the news is where it's at, you know? And Sarah Mirk is the news. So just follow her around and be like, you know, "Travels with Sarah." Or you know, "My Hot Southeastern... Southeast Portland Living Life." Oh god... alright, I'm done.
As a minority who lived in Portland my whole life I have to say riding a bike is pretty much a white people thing ["More Bleeding-Heart Liberal Jokes about Hate Crimes," Letters, Dec 3]. And a tweaker thing. I don't want to be on your team. Not now, not ever. Thanks.
-Posted by P.Caulfield on portlandmercury.com
A DETRIMENT TO NATURE IN GENERAL SINCE 2000
DEAR SIR OR MADAM—I find your "newspaper" ignorant and belittling of my intelligence. You hurt my brain every time I see an issue of your paper on the ground. It should only be used to line birdcages and clean the delicate asses of homeless people. Your articles and writing are about as worthy of being called news as a hooker's vagina being called tasty. I demand that you fire every staff member, including yourself, burn your offices to the ground, and bury the ashes in the E. coli-infested waters of NW toilets everywhere. I think you are bringing our city to a new low, in which cul-de-sac kids everywhere become hopelessly ignorant of any current or important events, you are worthless to our society and a detriment to wildlife, and nature in general. I hope one day to find multiple staff members at a bar drinking Pabst so I may challenge them all to fisticuffs. In closing please if you must keep running papers please cut out what you call news, and save some trees by only running it once a year, maybe on Christmas as a present to your narcissistic selves. P.S. And to the gentleman that wrote the apocalypse article ["Welcome to the Apocalypse!" Feature, Nov 19]: I'm coming to eat you first. One bite at a time.
HEAR, HEAR JOHN! It's letters like yours that make us get out of bed each morning and produce the worst newspaper in the world. For sharing your thoughts you shall receive two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where fisticuffs are not encouraged at the dining table. Nor are they discouraged.