THE BEST MERCURY LETTERS OF 2009
[Welcome back to our annual year-end edition of letters, in which we highlight the missives that made us laugh, cry, and punch holes in the walls. Keep them coming in 2010, because at the end of the day being called "knuckle-dragging gutter monkees" is what keeps our engines running.]
YOUR RACISM IS SUB-PAR
DEAR MERCURY—In response to I, Anonymous' "Nazi Nice" [March 5], I had a very similar experience regarding equally dick-wadding cowards. Two months ago I was standing at a bus stop on East Burnside and 30-something when a car full of white guys drove by and one of 'em yelled at me, "Nigger!" And I thought to myself, "Wow! People are still doing that?" C'mon. Yelling out of your car at someone on the street is literally the easiest thing in the world to do! This city may indeed be weird (not), but I find the racism here to be not at all impressive.
MR. COOLER-THAN-ALL-HELL HENRIKSEN
Are you kidding me ["Disaster Movie," Film, March 19, in which Film Editor Erik Henriksen pans Knowing]? Seriously? Mr. Cooler-Than-All-Hell Henriksen, are you fucking kidding me? Please stop writing. Today. We don't need to read your hipster "journalism" anymore. Really. This was a fascinating risk-taker of a movie with a beautiful ending. I mean, seriously? You are that cynical? Have you ever opened your mind to explore the possibility that humans may have once interpreted aliens for angels? Are you so bogged down here on Earth that you can't even consider a bigger picture? And you piss on a filmmaker for taking a huge risk by exploring the idea? I'm not saying Nic Cage was great. He wasn't. There was room for much improvement, sure. The script was laughable here and there. But the ending was pure magic. Yes, yes it was. You are way too closed-minded and are way too cool for your own good. Snap out of it.
-posted by Eric3 on portlandmercury.com
SIR—How can you compare a stupid rabbit to the TRUE meaning of Easter: the Resurrection of some of mankind's Lord and savior Jesus Christ ["Jesus vs. Bunny... WHO YA GOT?!?" I Love Television, April 9]?!! The reason why I say some of mankind is because, a lot of people (like you!) make a joke or stupid comment about God when in fact, there is nothing funny about it!!! Now, I am not a preacher or priest or any other religious leader by no means, in fact, I recently became saved in November of last year. And I have been able to survive!! Are you at peace? I suggest you look to God instead of making jokes about it and trust in him!! AMEN!!!!
MORE NIPPLE STORIES, PLEASE
DEAR MERCURY—This week's Mercury cover [April 30] is the best ever—a half-naked woman, on a horse, with a rifle. With excitement and a desire to learn more about this goddess of a dreamy western era gone past, I turned to pg. 11 and what do I find? A crappy story about "storytelling" ["The Subtle Art of Shooting the Shit, Feature]. No offense to the Word to Your Mother event but it just cannot compete with exposed nipples. Next time please back up totally awesome covers with something totally awesome, like an actual story about half-naked women with exposed nipples and rifles, riding horses. Thank you.
A SINGULAR FILM INDEED
DEAR MERCURY—Darkman, far from being unwatchable, is one of the finest action/disfigurement/revenge movies ever made ["Who Wants Some?" I'm Staying Home, May 28]. What other film has a trans-fenestration cam? What other film has a few blissful frames of Liam Neeson's head attached to a tiny dancing puppet? NAME ONE.
Tom Charette, you raging douche ["Three-Fingered Snap!" Letters, July 23]. The thumb is TOO a finger, you flaming bag of crap. Just because the digit happens to be opposable on human hands does not make it any less of a finger than the other digits. A simple search for the physiology of the human hand would reveal this information—so before you go off on somebody with some righteous indignation over a cause you believe so strongly about, it might behoove you to do the minimal amount of research to not make yourself look like a total ass. ASS.
-posted by ChadStrut on portlandmercury.com
SLIPPING THE TOOL TO PAULA ABDUL
DEAR CARLOS SANTANA ["I Slipped the Banana to Hannah Montana by Carlos Santana," New Column! July 23]—My friend, I was deeply moved by your succulent tale of the mighty dentata of Hannah Montana devouring your banana Mexicana that night in the Havana cabana. This is a great accomplishment! It reminds me of a time long ago, when I was 17 and cool, the day I slipped my tool to the one and only Paula Abdul. She came to perform at my school, making many a boy drool, which seemed to me rather cruel, but I was no fool, I knew Paula Abdul would soon be my crown jewel. I found her in a bikini by the pool, making Phoebe Cates look like a ghoul, and Paula soon smiled at my challenge to a steamy carnal duel. We quickly embraced, breaking every rule, and this is no bull, she even tried to tongue my stool, but in the end my tool was deeply embedded in Paula Abdul.
Who the hell u callin' a prick ["The Warm Nostalgia of Choking Bad Boys," Geek Out, Sept 3]????? FUCK KEVIN CONROY, CHRISTIAN BALE IS THE BEST MOST SEXIEST MOST GENUINE BATMAN EVER TO DON THE FREAKIN' SUIT, CAPE, OR COWL!!!!!! Stop pickin' on him, jealous much??? Conroy can kiss my Bat ass, cause Christian will be back in black come 2011!!!!! Christian ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BALEHEADS RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULE!!!!!!!!!!!!
-posted by BALE*IS*BEST*BATMAN on portlandmercury.com
VAMPIRES HATE BONERS
DEAR MERCURY—JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ["The Boner Diaries," I Love Television, Sept 10]!! YOU ARE NO WRITER! YOUR BONER DIARIES COMMENTARY WAS FUCKING DISGUSTING!! YOU MAKE ME HATE VAMPIRISM, SOMETHING I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FOND OF!! WHAT POSSESSES A SCUMBAG FUCK LIKE YOU TO PLACE YOUR INSIGNIFICANT AND CHILDISH, SAD, LUDICROUS, POOR HUMORED, FUCK I COULD WASTE MY WHOLE DAY GOING ON... REMARKS IN A PAPER FOR ALL TO READ IS WAY FUCKING BEYOND ME!!! NO YOU ARE NO WRITER! NO CRITIC! AND JUST PICTURING WATCHING A VAMPIRE MOVIE WITH YOUR NASTY DICK IN YOUR MOUTH IS MORE THAN MY STOMACH CAN HANDLE!!! STICK TO SELLING CARS YOU RETARDED FUCK UP!!
EXTREMELY BORED & TURNED OFF READER
BAHEENA BAGINA, VAHEENA VAGINA
DEAR EDITOR(S)—Ann Romano—be still my beating heart—has repeatedly used the string of letters "vaheena" to represent the word "vagina," often to great comic effect, especially when talking about Kate Gosselin (be still my quivering spermatoza) [One Day at a Time, ongoing]. Methinks Ms. Romano is attempting to transliterate the Spanish pronunciation of their word for vagina, which is spelled the same as in English but which is pronounced ba-HEE-na. Note the "b" sound in Spanish for the letter "v." With a powerful word like "ba-HEE-na," there's no need for anything more slangy or vulgar. And now I'm reminded of Chick Rio's (and the Champs) 1958 saxophone tune: Duh, duh-duh, duh-dut, dut, dut: ba-HEE-na!
NAILED HIM, EXACTLY
DEAR STEVEN HUMPHREY—Fifty bucks says you're one of these guys who yells "fag" from your car and then speeds off so you don't have to back up your words? Another 50 says you probably couldn't think up something more engaging to write about, so you thought you'd profile the nerdy guy you knew in high school and pick on him ["Interview with a Stargate Nerd!" I Love Television, Oct 1]. Let me be the first to admit that I love the Stargate series, and I hope Stargate Universe succeeds brilliantly. Thing is that I don't just watch Stargate, but I actually frequent dive bars and take home the women who pansies like you only eyeball from afar in your Jägerbomb stupors, that is, of course, before you venture home to watch internet porn (which, by the way, is posted by nerds) and masturbate alone. Could that be the reason you feel the need to write such reductive columns and perhaps try to relive your glory days as a repressed homosexual jock? Truth be told, if my friends and I ever bumped into a douchebag like you on the street, we wouldn't hesitate to kick the ever-loving shit out of you.... But I don't want to take up too much of your time, because you're probably already late for that raging kegger at your old frat house where you dream about meeting girls who can maybe see past the over-gelled hair and the silly, unoriginal tribal tattoos I'm sure you have. Either way, consider the gauntlet thrown.
HEY, HEY, WE'RE THE MONKEES
DEAR MERCURY—While Gabe Rodriguez, in his scatorific denunciation of the Mercury editorial staff entitled "Tall Bikes & Poopy Pants," dabbled with the sweet whimsy of the crossed metaphor [Letters, Oct 22], the idea that the knuckle-dragging gutter monkees that comprise the Mercury editorial staff would have the brains, balls, and balance that it takes to ride one of those top-heavy contraptions, strains credulity to the point where my sphincter aches.
-Victor "Stinky Finger" Sanchez