DEAR MR. HUMPHREY: Our office is unable to fulfill Portland Mercury's request for a mayoral proclamation.
The Office of Mayor Katz does not issue proclamations for commercial ventures, in this case "Portland Mercury Day." I am enclosing a copy of our policy for your future reference. Good luck on your new venture.
Office of Mayor Vera Katz
A GOOD ASS-KICKIN'
TO THE EDITOR: It is great to see an interesting and lively newspaper for a change. Hope you kick the WW''s ass. They take boring to a whole new level.
WE HUMBLY REGRET THE ERROR
SIRS AND MADAMS, In the June 8 issue of the Portland Mercury, [Feature, "Hell on Wheels"] your reporter states that "Chunk 666 burns no fossil fuels." This is untrue. We burn the shit like there is no tomorrow.
CHUNK 666: THEY HATE KIDS!
DEAR EDITOR: I am writing in response to your recent feature on the Chunk 666 "bicycle gang." After seeing what I can only assume was this gang riding in the Rose Festival Grand Floral Parade this weekend, I take issue with your reporter's description. My impression was that these people are simply out for some good-natured, if irreverent, fun. In fact, to quote your article: "One of the greatest thrills I have while riding is the look on children's faces." And "Little kids practically wet themselves."
In fact, my four-year-old son did almost wet himself, but out of fright rather than joy. These bikers were wearing truly disturbing costumes, one had a fake human head on a stick, coming off of his bike. Into an atmosphere of genuine good, clean fun, these bikers injected a sense of menace. They growled at children and made obscene gestures. One, wearing a Spider Man mask, made lewd motions with his tongue. These irresponsible hooligans made a mockery of the parade, and I'm sure my son wasn't the only child who found them incredibly scary.
I wish your article had shown them as the irresponsible bullies they really are.
FAILED HIPPIE BLAMES
TO THE EDITOR: Hmmm...I don't understand something, but then again it's hard for us noodle rockers to understand you witty publishing types. If Ms. Julianne Shepherd was so totally bored and non-enthused [Up & Coming, Elbo Finn review, June 8] then why did she waste paper space talking about us? Maybe she didn't do the research and is too concerned with polishing her skills as a writer. Ms. Shepherd's attempt at writing is nothing more than cheap dime school colloquialisms. Why are critics so repulsive? It's probably because they're angry swine who failed as real writers and musicians. I guess if Elbo Finn doesn't succeed, not only will Ms. Shepherd be happy, but possibly I'll have a spot as a music critic with the Mercury.
GOOD LUCK WITH
YOUR BIG BOOBS
HI MARIE: In rule #6 of your column [Dating Tips for Horny Boys, June 8] you seem to be stating that you have big boobs. Is this true? I bet I could feel them up without recoiling in shock (if for some reason I was in a situation where that was appropriate--the feeling up, not the recoiling, of course). If you ever need an example of someone who's doin' it right, let me know. Good luck with your column and your big boobs.
ENDORSED BY e.e. cummings
DEAR FRIENDS AT THE MERCURY: I read your first edition with interest. I found it delightfully naughty, silly and fun--though the hostility wore on me a bit. Anyway, it reminded me of this poem by e.e. cummings:
let's start a magazine/ to hell with literature/ we want something redblooded/ lousy with pure/ reeking with stark/ and fearlessly obscene/ but really clean/ get what I mean/ let's not spoil it/ let's make it serious/ something authentic and delirious/ you know something genuine like a mark/ in a toilet/ graced with guts and gutted with grace/ squeeze your nuts and open your face
Editor's note--Jesus Christ! Fuckin' e.e. cummings' stole our mission statement!