YO CRETINS: Are you providing an alternative to the tirelessly moronic Willamette Week, or are they actually covertly funding you to invade Portland and make them look good? Your hideous queer issue [Issue 3] is a perfect example. After letting your despicable "One Day at a Time" columnist diss the brilliant Eminem, you publish yet another deeply prejudiced "Hippie Report." The contempt you express for hippies leaves us wondering if you'll soon be publishing a black report or perhaps an anti-Middle East column. In reaction to your reactionary views, we've decided to grow dreadlocks and openly vilify and torment homosexuals for the rest of our lives. And like Eminem, we're young, and we intend to be around for awhile, so fuck you very much.
Mark Jarman and Nara Ramal
ANN ROMANO: GAY MALE COMMUNIST?
DEAR ANN ROMANO: In the June 29 edition of the Mercury [One Day at a Time] you used the word "epitaph" in describing how righteous shop-keepers threw your smut peddlers out of their store, when what you clearly meant to say was "epithet."
What the hell were you doing in school instead of learning English? Daydreaming homoerotic fantasies, perhaps? In fact, "Ann Romano," it is glaringly obvious that you are nothing but a big gay male.
There can be no other explanation for your wanton defense of these godless perverts, and it is just like one of you people to hide behind a sneaky nom de plume (like that big fruitcake Samuel Clemens for example).
With flamboyant homos like you running the media, it's only a matter of time before Ivan quits playing possum and sends a few MIGs our way. This is your wake-up call, Ann--or shall I say, Andy Romanoff! Lay off the bottled water and the Judy Garland pictures or we'll be wearing fur hats and playing hockey by this time next year.
OH...SO THAT'S WHERE VERA GETS HER WEED
HI: I am one of Portland's finest and I want to tell you when you're a cop you can do ANYTHING you want! It's no fraud to steal overtime from the city; in fact I can sue the city for demoting me! And it's likely the city is gonna pay--if they don't, we can spill the beans on how Vera Katz gets her pot from our evidence room. Most people don't know how all that "Oregon" gets to NYC--let's just say the mayor has connections--and we get our cut. My house is in Alameda--4000 sq. ft. with a home theater and I drive a BMW due, in part, to all my overtime!
WHO'S WHO? ME! THAT'S WHO!
DEAR SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE: You were recently selected by The Office of the Managing Director for a free listing in The International Executive Who's Who.
Our researchers gather information from many recognized sources, including newspapers and professional reference publications.
As a highly respected professional in your field of expertise, we believe your contributions merit very serious consideration for inclusion in The International Executive Who's Who. Congratulations, and welcome to our very exclusive club.
Lorraine A. Michaels
CALLING ALL DRUNKS! WIN CASH & PRIZES-- JUST FOR BEING YOU!
DEAR READERS: In honor of our upcoming Drinking Issue, the Mercury is proud to announce our very first ESSAY CONTEST! The theme of this essay is "WHY I DRINK" and we invite YOU to send in 800 typed words on this very pressing subject.
Now, we can hear you say, "Oh yeah? (Hic!) Wahsh in't for ME?" Well, how about $100 to spend on liquor? And what's more, the winner will also receive their very own Home Bar Kit (vomiting clientele not included) provided by the fine folks at Palookaville! Best of all, you can see your essay printed in the Mercury's Drinking Issue, coming August 3! So don't delay! Send in your essay to "Why I Drink" c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23 Ave., Suite 2, Portland, 97210. You can also email your entry to email@example.com. Essays must be postmarked no later than Monday, August 25! No drop-offs or calls either, you dirty stinkin' drunk! GOOD LUCK!