DEAR ANN: You're the best fuckin' writer in Portland. Absolutely hysterical.
JAMIE S. RICH: COULD USE IMPROVEMENT
TO THE EDITOR:[Re: "Cut My Hair," Jamie S. Rich, August 10] That has to be the crappiest chapter of a published book on the LA punk scene I have ever read--actually any book. WHO THE FUCK WOULD PUBLISH THIS CRAP?
(Sarcastic moment to follow.) Thanks for the info on the jaw-on-the-curb skinhead death stomp...Didn't we already see that in American History X? Can we get a reference here??? PUUHHLLLEEAAASSEE!!!! I could write a short paragraph about eating at Denny's and have more substance than this crap.
BTW--I'm sure the guy's a good chap and all (probably a pissed off indie-geek now)--BUT HIS WRITING SUCKS...I can't wait to show it to people and say, "This is the worst shit I have ever read." LOL, seriously!
EVERETT TRUE: NEEDS HELP IN RECOGNIZING CHORD CHANGES
TO MR. TRUE: I just read your one star review of Richard Ashcroft's latest. I realize all the sullen rock kids lacking any melodic sense are jumping on the bandwagon to bash this one, but please write something original about the MUSIC and not just regurgitate the latest Q review. Ashcroft is one of the few people offering anything in the way of an interesting chord change. Check out the sudden key modulation in "Brave New World"--it's beautiful stuff and what's wrong with that?
MONICA DRAKE: PERFECT IN EVERY WAY
DEAR EDITOR: I look forward to finding out what you people have been up to each week and with particular interest in Monica Drake. I might read as many as three book reviews each day just for my own pleasure. Some of these critics have years of experience reviewing, (interviewing), for national publications.
When I try and do some guess work around what one does to interpret intricate embroidery of voice, character, and message etc. sewn into fiction and report this accurate and well, my feelings swirl and mix admiration and envy. So, Monica Drake. Her review of Amiee Bender, whose reading I attended and work I have read is as good as it gets. I hope Monica stays here, writing in Portland. Stay after our shadows Merc.
STEVE SCHULTZ: NOW AVAILABLE FOR COPYEDITING WORK
TO THE EDITORS: Here's few [sic] questions that have been rolling around in my brain pan since issue numbero [sic] uno? Please see "Racism In A Bottle" [August 3] By [sic] Phil Busse last [sic] sentence in paragraph two and third paragraph [sic] sentence one. Whadafuck wuz dat?
So when is "the Portland Mercury" going to get a fucking copy editor?
Is it possible to cut the cute, passé, and postmodern self-referential crap that your paper and every postmodern academic continually uses, [sic] is this due to lack of real life experiences?
As a reader don't [sic] give two rat fucks what some pathetic producer of anything, thinks [sic]. As far as I'm concerned they can take a fucking flying leap of [sic] the nearest suicide bridge.
Probably the smartest thing you dweebes [sic] ever did was to hire Sean for art direction. on [sic] this I commend y'all.
HETEROSEXUALS WIN (AGAIN)
FROM THE EDITOR: Congratulations to Nate and Nina, the heterosexual winners of the Portland Mercury and Barfly's Datewar 2000! Nate and Nina had serious competition from their gay and lesbian competitors last Friday, and in fact, lagged far behind during the trivia round. However, since heterosexuals are better known for manual dexterity than brain power, Nate and Nina evened the playing field during the "Match the Socks" competition. Then, during the "Blindfold Breakfast in Bed" round, in which a blindfolded partner serves breakfast while their teammate screams orders, Nate and Nina flew ahead of the pack to win the day! Our two straights won trips to the fabulous Breitenbush resort, and scowling glares from every other sexual orientation in the room. Congrats, Nate and Nina! You're Hetero-riffic!