DEAR SIRS: I feel I owe D.K. Holm a profound apology. He raised my consciousness with his review of A Piece of Cake. [Theater, July 27] I can't believe that me, an apparently ignorant, stupid lady, actually loved the show.
It just shows how culturally bankrupt I am. To think I saw A Piece of Cake as a theatrical gem truly shames me. D.K. Holm, the paragon of theatrical excellence, has shown me the folly of my ways.
Oh D.K., great one and all knowing. I bow to your brilliance. I now know that A Piece of Cake was a piece of shit. To think I uproariously laughed at this pile of male bovine excrement is truly embarrassing. To think I had tears in my eyes during the final love scene makes me realize what a total theater nerd I really am.
I would urge the Mercury to schedule theater appreciation classes led by D.K. Holm, where we can learn to turn the ecstasy into pure D.K. agony. To enjoy with delight and excitement this piece of camel dung shows what country bumpkins we really are.
Sorry, guys. This guy scares the crap out of me since I work with another theater co. in town. So I don't dare sign my real name, because who knows what catastrophes he might wreak on our company. So, I will use an airhead name that aptly describes me...
EMPTYFIED ARTIST GIVES THANKS
TO KARRIN ELLERTSON: I just received a copy of your review of my work at the Mark Wooley gallery [Art Review, June 8]. I wasn't even aware of it until now, as I live in NYC. Just wanted to say thank you. I've been receiving a lot of press lately and it's generally kind of melancholic and emptyfying (see the current issue of Decoration, UK edition). Your review was so very welcome and insightful. Silly, but it actually gave me a chill. Thank you so much.
P.S. Is "emptyfying" a word?
STARBUCK'S BARISTAS GO FOR GORE
TO THE EDITOR: In response to Ann Romano's claim that W. Bush has "Starbucks' votes locked up," [One Day at a Time, August 17] I offer a correction: Since half the company is run by liberal minorities and homos, we offer our votes both proudly and faithfully to Gore...even if he is a hopeless cause.
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
TO THE EDITOR: I was wondering if the Mercury was going to have a Portland version of the Police Beat column?
THE EDITOR RESPONDS: Well, Mark, we'd love to give you a weekly update of the week in crime, but thanks to an uncooperative police department, we are unable to do so at this time. In order for us, or anyone for that matter, to have access to Portland police records we would have to pay $65 per week for a listing of crimes, $10 for each particular report, and then $2 per page if the report runs over two pages (which they invariably do). Some quick math shows that we would be spending upwards of $300 per week, and $15,000 per year on reports that are guaranteed to one and all by the Freedom of Information Act. Apparently our right to information isn't as "free" as we'd all like to think.
A SINCERE REQUEST
DEAR SIR: Yours is a unique and wonderful magazine. Permit me to say at last how much I've enjoyed it. Although you are progressing in a direction that I certainly like, I do have a request--if it has not already been granted in the plans for your next issue. Please let's have more and more and more beautiful slave girls, some in the lovely misery of surrender, chained hand and foot or roped severely and tightly. Perhaps I speak for the majority--I don't know. But at least one of your ardent fans would be most highly pleased. May I say thanks.
THE EDITOR RESPONDS: Though we would like nothing better than to grant your request, the Portland Police Department charges more for pictures of "slave girls in the misery of surrender" than they do for police reports. Please! Write your Congressperson!