DEAR EDITOR: I am writing in response to the following snippet from your publication [Up & Coming, Aug 17]: "Portland's The Pills recently had to change their name to The Real Pills because a Boston band called The Pills already existed. I actually saw The Boston Pills two years ago in Cambridge, MA, and was flabbergasted that a band could be so shamelessly ripping off Loverboy. The Portland Pills, The Real Pills, a long-running, tight garage band, put the Boston Pills to shame. JULIANNE SHEPHERD"
As one of the Boston Pills, let me take this opportunity to say a hearty "Fuck You." If she honestly thought we sounded like Loverboy, she has no ability to review music whatsoever. My guess is that she's friends with the Portland Pills and is childishly reacting to a legal situation which doesn't concern her. We were the Pills first, and own their name as a result. We gave the Portland Pills ample notice and time to change their name (as opposed to just suing their lame asses) and met with nothing but foolishness on their part. They assured us that they couldn't be bothered to care about keeping a name as stupid as the Pills (which was fine by us) and then, stretching their imaginations to their fullest extent, they came up with the Real Pills.
As for our sound, most reviewers compare us to bands like the Jam and the Buzzcocks, or occasionally the Who. We've never been troubled by any Loverboy comparisons before. No worries, though, we pack clubs up and down the East Coast, doing 125 shows last year, including a highly successful tour of Spain.
See if you can hire yourself some better writers, eh?
SEXY ANIMALS, YES; SEXY WOMEN, NO
TO THE MERCURY: I have long been disgusted by PETA's eager willingness to sell women in order to save animals [On My Soapbox, Sept 21]. They have accepted money from Playboy, used women's naked bodies to advocate the rejection of buying furs, and reassured men that "real men" can use women like objects but they should refrain from treating animals that way. FUCK THEM.
SARCASM IS SO FIVE MINUTES AGO
TO THE EDITOR: It's beer Friday here where I work. I just wanted to note that the usefulness of sarcasm has been completely destroyed in our culture over the last ten years, thus is your publication rendered redundant and boring.
I don't know if anyone hereabouts would be able to identify something as funny if not dripping with sarcasm. I surely can't, in quite the same way I couldn't come up with something funny to say myself.
That being said, I wish you luck with your publication and defy you to respond to this letter in any manner not couched in sarcasm.
The Mercury responds: Okay, how's this for non-sarcasm? Eat our ass, dickhole.
TRISTEZA: SPOCK-ROCKING NOODLERS
TO THE EDITOR: When will music writers come to the realization that Tristeza FUCKING SUCK!? [My, What a Busy Week, Sept 21]
You constantly make fun of hippie jam-band idiots for dicking around on guitar for an hour (and for good reason, don't get me wrong), but put said idiot into de rigeur Spock-rocker gear and he's suddenly a genius. I don't think I have ever seen a band even halfway as dull as Tristeza. Well... Black Heart Procession are pretty close, but I digress. To top it off, they're a bunch of pretentious assholes. Honestly. Please, send them back to Golden Hill, toot sweet.
DEPT. OF CORRECTIONS
In our September 21 issue, two errors of the artistic variety were committed. Due to a printing error the name of the artist who illustrated our Back to School feature, Stanley Zappa was deleted. And speaking of giving credit where credit is due, the illustrious and illustrative George Pfromm III was the artistic brainiac behind our music feature, "Something Wicked This Way Comes." Sorry, fellers!