AND NOW, A MESSAGE FROM VERA KATZ
TO THE MERCURY: Our office is unable to fulfill Portland Mercury's request for a mayoral proclamation. The Office of Mayor Katz does not issue proclamations for commercial ventures, in this case "Portland Mercury Day." I am enclosing a copy of our policy for your future reference. Good luck on your new venture.
Laura E. Campero
Office of Mayor Vera Katz
HIPPIE LOVES LOVE, HATES HATE
TO THE EDITOR: Glancing over your publication, I am wonderin' about why? Why the labeling? Judgment and ANGER? It is only for us to appreciate one another as part of the human race. To learn balance in our lives (both internal and external). If there was only a way to heal the human heart. Be well.
ACHING BALL COULD SPELL TROUBLE!
DEAR FLACCID PENIS [Re: "I, Anonymous," June 15]: An aching ball can be a sign of testicular cancer, the most common cancer in young men. It's very treatable if caught in time, so please have a doctor investigate this immediately even if you can't feel a lump. Everyone else: early treatment can make all the difference--examine your testes/breasts every MONTH (or have your partner do it and then switch!).
SO THAT'S WHERE VERA GETS HER WEED
HI: I am one of Portland's finest and I want to tell you when you're a cop you can do ANYTHING you want! It's no fraud to steal overtime from the city; in fact I can sue the city for demoting me! And it's likely the city is gonna pay--if they don't, we can spill the beans on how Vera Katz gets her pot from our evidence room. Most people don't know how all that "Oregon" gets to NYC--let's just say the mayor has connections--and we get our cut. My house is in Alameda--4000 sq. ft. with a home theater and I drive a BMW due, in part, to all my overtime!
DON'T YOU "HATI HATI" US!
TO THE EDITOR: Last week I read with some sadness the Mercury's views on Portland Police Bureau Officer David Barrios' ongoing shoving match with his command over his hair ["One Day at a Time," in which Barrios is being forced to wear his hair in a bun, August 31].
We (and I believe I can speak with some authority, and that I can speak well for a number of our ethnic enclaves) do not respect your newspaper's irreverence. If you fail to see how fundamental respect is, a more direct approach may be necessary.
Hati hati. Be cautioned. Given the 2000 Census projections, the day of the hammer's humor at the nail's expense may be numbered.
Ronault Latang Sayang Catalani
WOW...EVEN JESUS HATES SEAN
TO SEAN TEJARATCHI: Christ, how I hate you, Mister Tejaratchi. Your failure to climb socially has led you to the only possible place a zine GEEK like yourself can get a decent-paying gig.
I constantly marvel at your tiny, frightened squirming psyche as it is gradually revealed. Please, at the very least, move Mr. Sean's column to the inside of the classifieds, or somewhere where it will not disturb the enjoyment of Mr. Millionaire and the others! Get a fucking life, you cretin! Burn in fucking hell!
And finally, a few parting shots from 25 issues of love notes:
"D.K. Holm needs his mouth washed out with battery acid."
"Julianne Shepherd: Where the fuck did you come from? Take your eating-its-own-dead punk rock Renaissance and crawl back to Indy High School where you can whine in peace about how rebellious you are by staying out late and smoking a clove cigarette."
"As one of the Boston Pills, let me take this opportunity to give the Mercury a hearty "Fuck You." If you honestly thought we sounded like Loverboy, you have no ability to review music whatsoever."
"Please only let Dan Savage talk about things you don't need to be well-read to discuss. You know, like SEX. It's obviously the only thing he knows anything about."
"The public interest would best be served by keeping Sean Tejaratchi a safe distance from any device which can create words--including a pencil."