DEAR MERCURY—While everyone knows that most people write letters to the editor when they are mad about something, and typically not when they mean to convey appreciation or thanks, this is getting ridiculous. Last week's letters were so full of scorn and hate for Mercury staff, I felt compelled to send those letter writers some hate mail of their own! To all the letter writers of the world: Try to make yourself look smarter than those alt-weekly staffers with whom you're taking issue. Using "u" instead of "you" in your letter will also probably not get you the respect you're looking for.
HUMPY—You are dead wrong. Tennis Court is an awesome idea ["Dead People's Court," I Love Television, March 25]. Premise: Judge is retired tennis pro or perhaps wannabe. Instead of objecting with some sort of stern warning when someone speaks out of turn or, more generally, says something silly or obviously untrue, the "judge" attempts to bean the offender with a well-placed lob shot. With all due respect, please rethink your assessment of the idea as "stupid."
DEAR MERCURY—You might want to consider hiring someone to review movies who understands satire. Not only did Ned Lannamann's overtly negative review of Hot Tub Time Machine make me want to see the movie even more, it made your consistently amusing paper appear smug and obtuse, like, "Ooh I'm soooo smaaaaart, I only like comedies that feature ironic muuuuuustaches... cause I'm a hiiiipsssttteeerrr" ["Sucks Capacitor," Film, March 25]. In my opinion, using a hoity-toity adjective like "fetid" not one, but two times, has got to be twice as tacky as Craig Robinson's Black Eyed [Peas] spoof of Michael J. Fox's classic [Back to the Future] guitar scene—which sounds hilarious. Have you ever even seen Joe Dirt—the best comedy of all time? I have been looking forward to seeing Hot Tub Time Machine since I heard about it, and will be the first one in the ticket line.
DEAR MERCURY—Being a man who knows the value of good Eros, I very much enjoyed HUMP! 2009. However, I did not notice, and therefore was disappointed not to see, some wholesome, tastefully done water sports scenarios. Reading about the HUMP! 2010 in the March 25 issue of the Mercury, I felt led to mention someone may wish to do a short segment of water sports ["Lights... Camera... ACTION!" Feature, March 25]. Tastefully done, of course. The golden stream is a worthy sport, and certainly deserves its place along with other forms of kink. Many guys know the pleasure of taking a good hard piss, and many well know the fascination of pissing into a well-placed urinal. Certainly water sports are enjoyable for anyone who values this bodily erotic experience. Some guys like to take this bodily fluid directly from the faucet, AKA a guy's penis—it's high-powered erotic, and is a time-honored practice among some men. Women can do this with their beau as well, if they so desire. Part of Keeping Portland Weird is doing the unusual. Piss action is not for everyone, however for those who know the value of a good stream of golden piss—it's intense and highly pleasurable. Since it's a natural part of "the human condition,'' it is organic sex play.
YOU HEAR THAT amateur porn makers of Portland? You're getting requests! Make sure your own kinks and turn-ons are represented at the 2010 edition of HUMP! Hit portlandmercury.com for submission details, and in the meantime Etienne can tide himself over (get it??) with two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and No Fish! Go Fish!, also home to tasty organics.