TO THE EDITOR: A big thank you to Justin Sanders for his "theater review" of the Greyhound bus station [Theater, March 22]. Brilliant!
THE MERCURY: GUARANTEED TO MAKE LIFE SUCK
TO WHOEVER: I'm writing in regards to Justin Sanders' "Theatre" review in which he depicts the Greyhound Bus Station as "seedy, bleak, and full of heathens."
Got a question for you, Justinhave you ever been to the fucking bus station? I have. Pittsburgh, Baltimore, D.C., etc. If you wanna talk about trashy, go there. Portland has the most pristine bus station in the fucking U.S.
The best writers write about what they know. You obviously don't know anything. I don't hate you, I'm just pissed that I wasted five minutes of my life that I can never get back on an article that is not only untrue, but pointless and retarded. I guarantee it's people like you that make life suck.
I'D LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY...
TO THE MERCURY: I want to thank the academy, the Portland Mercury, and most importantly, all the little people who made this possible. [Re: Dave Mazza winning "Protester of the Year," "Anarchist Award," March 29]
P.S. Your prestigious award resulted in my being called up by NW Cable News to talk with the ever-lovely Cam Johnson about police misconduct. Thought you'd like to know the hairspray crowd at King Broadcasting are part of your readership.
I'D ALSO LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY...
TO THE EDITOR: As spokesperson for "People Protecting Our Pets from Smut," I thank you for acknowledging our important work in the field of pornography education here in Portland [Re: Winner of "Best Protest Involving Pets" award]. You should feel good that only the Portland Mercury had enough savvy to consider our event fit for print.
However, I would appreciate it if you would clarify that "Vegetables Against Masturbation" and the "Mamma Was Right Committee" (vision-impaired activists) were also present to offer enlightenment to all those who may not be aware of the extreme dangers of pornographic exposure.
To the public: If you must watch porn, make sure your pets are safely placed outside or in another room; smut can cause feline cranial implosions in less than 20 seconds. It is not a pretty sight, trust me on that one.
SISTER, I FEEL YOUR PAIN!
TO THE EDITOR: In response to "I, Anonymous" [in which a woman caught her lover cross-dressing and giving men blowjobs, March 29]. Is it possible that there are more than one of these bastards running around town? This creep sounds EXACTLY like my ex! Luckily I escaped in less than three years.
Lets compare and contrast, shall we? Had hundreds of porno mags, check. Rarely if ever had sex with me, check. Gave some guy a blowjob in the back row of a theater, check. Spent hours jacking off instead of pleasing his girlfriend, check. Would have spent hundreds of dollars on porno phone calls, but I blocked them from my phone, check. So he rented $80 worth of Spice channel movies every month, and made me pay for it.
One night, I came home three hours late without calling because I watched someone get stabbed and had to fill out police reports. Instead of being worried, when I got home he was whacking it on the couch. Nice, huh? My guy also became a workaholic when he got a job in a strip joint, cheated on me with strippers, and beat me.
At any rate, I feel your pain sister. There are others like you. I was almost ruined, thought that I would never trust or love again, but I am living proof you can make it past things like that and live a happy, healthy normal life with a great guy. You just have to kick all the other assholes to the curb!
Anonymous in P-town
DON'T FORGET! The Mercury/Hormel Chili All-Adult Spelling Bee is this Friday (April 6) at 9 pm at Conan's Pub (3862 SE Hawthorne). There will be music, fun, and a startling display of mental agility--plus a few dumb drunks. See page 42 for more details and don't miss it!