If Saltzman wants my vote, this guy better be fired by the time of the election ["Chasse Sergeant in Off-Duty Road Rage," Blogtown, April 6, in which Officer Kyle Nice pulls his gun in a road rage incident.] Can't get it done by May? Too bad, I vote for the other guy and hope Saltzman redeems himself by November. This cop got a whopping 80-hour suspension for breaking [James] Chasse's ribs in over 20 places. He should have been fired years ago. I hope the [police bureau] will take away his gun until they finish their investigation.
-posted by "to the haters" on portlandmercury.com
TO THE MERCURY: No anal hooks?! ["Lights... Camera... Action!" Feature, March 25, in which Dan Savage explains the rules for this year's HUMP! Amateur Porn Film Contest.] Saying "no anal hooks" to us is like saying, "no spinning the basketball on your fingers" to the Harlem Globetrotters. What if this one-trick pony doesn't have anything else to wow the crowd with? I hear Rev. Jackson is in town, maybe I'll give him a call and see how he feels about you arbitrarily prohibiting the use of anal hooks in this year's HUMP!
What else am I going to put in her butt that'll get the same reaction from the crowd, damn you!?!
-K and Catherine de Sade
DEAREST MERCURY: Just when I thought Frank Cassano's game was running on the highest octane blow that his dealer could provide, Thurday's column upped that game to a proud new level ["Frank Cassano's Imbecile Parade," New Column!, April 8]. Frank is a Tron fan? Why the hell am I asking this imbecilic question? Of course he is! Who isn't? When I think about Tron Legacy, I've got a three-foot erection with a Tron helmet on the end of it. (Blue, of course.) Everyone knows that Tron Legacy is the new benchmark for cinematic greatness. It will be the standard to which all future science-fiction films will be measured. And with Frank in Jeff Bridges' corner, his Oscar should be melted down and reformed into an ashtray. His Tron accolades will surely bury him in more meritorious statuary than one could ever hope for. Oh, and the added touch of berating a six-year-old on changing the subject to kittens? The cherry of cherries on top. If my daughter dared interject such a topic when I was talking Tron, she'd be grounded until December 17, 2010. Keep 'em coming, Frank!
TO THE MERCURY: I just had this idea. You guys should do an issue about drinking or sex.
CONGRATULATIONS TO EVAN for supplying us with what could be the best idea yet to save the Mercury and the rest of the dying newspaper industry. WE'LL DO IT!! That sort of innovative thinking gets Evan the Mercury letter of the week, along with two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! (where drinking and sex will only take a backseat to sex and drinking).