TO THE MERCURY: Top 10 reasons why I love the Mercury:
• Julianne Shepherd.
• Great cover art.
• Julianne's interview with Jello Biafra [Feature, Aug 2].
• Julianne Shepherd's reviews, articles, and various brilliant contributions.
• Visible and positive coverage of Nader and the Greens.
• Julianne Shepherd is a genius.
• Lively articles, intelligent reporting, and great music reviews, even in such wonderful and arcane fields as progressive rock [Music, Aug 2].
• The only weekly covering the resistance movement against corporate totalitarianism.
• Julianne Shepherd is incredibly cute (with finger to lip or not) ["Music Trivia Challenge," July 26].
• Outstanding, talented, intelligent young writers like Julianne Shepherd.
• Writers with short, stumpy fingers, whether or not they can play numerous musical instruments, and even if they are a little hazy on Tupac Shakur's early career ["Letters," Aug 2].
(Was that 11? Well, I got carried away.)
THEY THREW DISHWATER ON ME!
Dear Mercury: A recent Letter to the Editor [July 19] claimed that talking to neighbors about noise was better than an ordinance. Really? I've never had a good response in the NW to a neighborly request for noise reduction. I've been yelled at, had the door slammed in my face, had dishwater dumped on me, and had the noise turned up (and that's just what I remember off the top of my head). Now, my first resort is to call the cops. It's unfortunate that we have to legislate manners.
HEY HOUSECLEANER! YOU'RE FIRED!!
TO THE ANONYMOUS HOUSECLEANER: How can you people who CHOOSE to clean houses for your living complain about the fact that you have to clean toilets and wipe up pubes [I, Anonymous, "The Housecleaner's Revenge," Aug 2]?! Jesus Christ, if you hate it so much GET A DIFFERENT JOB!!
I pay $50 a week for an hour-and-a-half of so-called work (which is more than I make, by the way) and you want a tip! Here's a tip: Separate the laundry--wash the dark colors in cold, the lights in warm. And for God's sake, plug the lamp back in after you finish your lousy vacuuming. Did you notice there's still Cheerios on the floor?
Oh, you're too good to vacuum Cheerios? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I PAY YOU FOR?!
If you want respect, try doing the job right and behaving like a professional, or I'll fire your lazy white American ass and hire a decent senorita whose work is twice the quality for half the money. God bless immigration!
GIRL VS. GRRRRL
TO THE MERCURY: In response to D'Ann Davis [Letters, "Nobody Criticizes Ani DiFranco!" Aug 2] Whiny bitches like you are exactly the reason Ani DiFranco gets as much shit as she does. Nobody really gives a damn about her, because she's not nearly as obnoxious as her RABID PSYCHOTIC FANS. Making fun of Ani Difranco may give the reviewer an erection, but it just makes me giggle.
Grrrl Hating Girl
THIS PERSON DOESN'T LIKE HIPPIES
TO THE EDITOR: This letter is in response to all the Hawthorne hippies with their 100 percent organic hemp undies in a bunch over the idea of a McDonald's on Hawthorne. GROW UP! I wish I could put you all in a line and bitchslap the patchouli stank off every one of you. I personally hate McDonald's. I would take a real steak over soy-and-shredded-Chinese-newspaper-pressed-to-look-like-a-hamburger any day.
However, when did the idea that Hawthorne was not a capitalistic strip mall incognito seep into your thick lice-ridden heads? Do you think the five headshops within three blocks of each other opened up in order to share karma and Dead show stories with you? No, they opened because their owners are business people who like to make a buck, just like McDonald's over the past five decades. Shit, they won't even have to advertise the opening of their new restaurant--you've already done that for them, suckers! Anyways, when it does open, I am going to bet dollar to dreadlocks that the same trustafarians crying over spilt soy milk will be in line at the drive through.
So in the end, if you feel this evil, greed driven capitalistic society is too much for you, I suggest this: Live far away in the woods, where you can eat berries and trade magic rocks.