DEAR MERCURY STAFF: I saw an issue of your newspaper here in the Oregon State Penitentiary in Salem. I still have 30 months left on my sentence, and I'd really enjoy getting a subscription to your newspaper for the next two years. Would you please send me the information I'll need as far as cost? (I have very little money.) I really enjoy your newspaper, and I am willing to do free work for you when I'm freed in the summer of 2004 to pay for the papers. Thank you very much for your time and assistance in this matter.
James K. Muir #6224677
The Mercury responds: We love our readers in prison! A free subscription is on the way.
P.S. You didn't kill anybody, did you?
THE COMMITTEE TO SAVE ZIGGY-WITH-A-HAT
DEAR MERCURY BRASS: If last week's installment of "Ziggy-With-A-Hat" [Laugh While You Can, Nov 8, in which Ziggy is fired] is an accurate representation of things to come, let me beg you to reconsider. For myself and for many of my plighted generation, "Ziggy-With-A-Hat" reflects the lighthearted and escapist attitudes that we must adopt in order to remain sane in an increasingly insane world.
"Ziggy-With-A-Hat" has become a staple and weekly bright spot for my friends and me. Since moving to the City of Roses, we have fallen into the weekly tradition of eagerly pursuing the paper box and opening to the back page to see what he and his friends have in store for us. Week in and week out (with the exception of last Thursday's ominous installment), it has been a pleasant and pleasing surprise.
Please do not cancel "Ziggy-With-A-Hat." It would be a blow against my comrades and me that, like so many others modern society has bombarded us with, we have been all too conditioned to take.
To Our Readers: Well, what do you think, folks? Is Ziggy-With-A-Hat a beacon of light in an uncaring world, or a big, unfunny piece of crap? We'll abide by your decision! Send in your votes to email@example.com!
AQUAMAN AND BUSH: BOTH SUCK
TO WM.™ STEVEN HUMPHREY: Aquaman sucks ass, and whoever this Republican, Dubya cock-sucking, blind-ass motherfucker who says Aquaman is cool should be forced to move to Afghanistan and get a job wiping Osama Bin Laden's ass [I Love Television™, Nov 15]. Who IS HE? [See page 27 for more info.] Aquaman can't do shit. OOOHHH, he can talk to a fish! Ooohhhh, wow, don't fuck with Aquaman! He'll go talk to a fish! Who invented this pathetic, loser superhero?
And another thing! I really appreciate how the Mercury continues to bash the Bush administration. Someone needs to. Planes crashing into New York City and the Pentagon don't make Bush and his bitches any less ignorant and harmful to the world. Reading the mainstream media right now makes me grateful to be living in Costa Rica. Keep it up, babe!
MERCURY + WATER = GREMLINS!
TO THE EDITOR: I just thought you should know that if you leave two issues of the Mercury on your car floor and then spill 1/2 gallon of water on them, you will be confronted with a horrible aroma in just two months. And it fogs up your windows like a cheerleader on prom night. You produce a fine publication, but I wonder if perhaps a better quality of paper stock would prevent this sort of tragedy in the future.
UNEMPLOYED...AND LOVING IT!
TO THE EDITOR: I am happy to report that I am unemployed [RE: "The Pink Slip Blues," Katie Shimer, Nov 15]. I sleep in, smoke hash, and spraypaint subversive graphics all over the city. I collect checks weekly, and I do not intend on finding a job as long as the checks keep coming. The reduction of wages is definitely worth not having to wake up to an alarm in the morning or to refer to anyone as "sir." I go to every party I am invited to and shamelessly drink free beer. I talk to Hare Krishnas. And Greenpeace. Powell's is my personal library. There are plenty of really enjoyable perks about being unemployed if you do not have any stupid ideas of linking your identity to your occupation. So, to all you out there lucky enough to be collecting checks, chin up! Read a Russian novel or something, but enjoy it while you can--they don't call it wage slavery for nothing!
Money for Nothing
Congratulations to "Money for Nothing" for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week!" For his trouble, MFN will receive two free tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater. Send in your letter to the editor (Don't worry; we award "mean" letters, too!) to the address above, and you could be our next winner!