TO THE EDITOR: Ever since the Mercury made its debut I've wanted to write this letter but haven't bothered. Then I saw your gift guide [Nov 22] with a photocopy of Julianne Shepherd's social security card (showcasing her signature) and finally caved. In a nutshell, I hate the insecure faux-hipster skank. Her writing is TERRIBLE. She construes these pathetic, wannabe poetic descriptions of bands, AND THEY DON'T EVEN MEAN ANYTHING! I'm not going to waste my time looking for direct quotes to back this shit up. Hello, are you not the least bit embarrassed that she is working for you? Have you NO shame? Oh, that's right, you don't! You like to print stupid vagina stories and the douching adventures of another untalented member of your staff [Katia Dunn, Oct 25]. Ha HA!
So back to Ms. Shepherd's signature as I suspected, her handwriting demonstrates a gross lack of intelligence, not to mention a deficit in sophistication and confidence. This cat-eyed bitch has got some serious seventh-grade-I-really-want-to-be-popular-but-I'm-not connotations in her script. Oh, and Julianne: Quick! Go dye your hair black and get the coolest librarian glasses you can find! The hipsters are coming! The hipsters are coming!
And by the way, you recently made a statement/joke in your newspaper that none of your staff wear underwear. I would like to point out this is a bald-faced lie, being as I have met Ms. Shepherd and she has the WORST panty lines I've ever seen. Someone get that girl a thong.
SOMEONE WHO LIKES JULIANNE
OH JULIANNE: You are so witty and sincere, yet I must correct you [Music, Nov 29]. The drummer for Hella plays a single, Iron Cobra bass drum pedal with a Danmar wood beater. I know this because I took your advice and went to see them. And holy fucking shit, was I blown away. Thanks for the recommend, you are hot, and yeah, the drummer from Hella is a single bass pedal ass whoopin' kind of guy.
DEFENDING AMERICA'S SOVEREIGNTY
TO THE EDITOR: The country is witnessing a major moronathon with Police Chief Kroeker's decision to ignore Ashcroft's request to question non-citizens who may be assisting terrorists. The chief says he's "doing the right thing" and the ACLU supports his "courage."
Dear Chief Kroeker, please feel free to express your point of view to the 6,000 murder victims in New York, Washington, and Pennsylvania. It took a tragedy like this to wake people up to the importance of what it means to defend America's sovereignty and to be aware there are enemies within who are exploiting our freedoms and murdering our countrymen.
Should the US be asked what to do with "politically correct" Portland, we'd say, "send 'em to Afghanistan to explain their definition of civil rights to the brave US soldiers who are going after murderers of US citizens and protecting the sorry asses of the empty suits running Portland."
Mission Viejo, CA
YEAH! WHAT THOMAS JEFFERSON SAID!
DEAR CHIEF KROEKER: I've heard that you have received a number of unpleasant emails regarding your stand ["Letters," Nov 29]. You are a HERO in my book and I want you to know there are others that share your concerns about the future of our country. As the current administration pushes the country away from its core values of civil liberties, it is reassuring to know that some police officials have the character and integrity to risk doing the right thing. Remember that Thomas Jefferson wisely wrote long ago that "a society that is willing to give up essential rights for some security will lose both and deserve neither."
PEOPLE FROM FLORIDA DON'T COUNT
DEAR EDITORS: This is to the guy who doesn't want his taxes supporting "un-American" cities like Portland ["Letters," Nov 29]: Hey, moron! You're from Orlando fucking FLORIDA! I don't want my taxes used to pave the roads in that shitty little Jim Crow backwater election fraud-riddled state. Tell you what, if you promise never, EVER to set foot in Oregon, I'll do the same for your lovely home. Come to think of it, any Portland residents worried that we don't have enough right-wing war monger assholes here should move to Florida where you'll feel more welcome. I'll help you pack.
Congratulations and a tip o' the hat to "Furious George" who wins the Mercury "Letter of the Week!" Furious shall be awarded two free passes to the Laurelhurst Theater, and who knows? The next "Letter of the Week" winner could be YOU! Send your nice or mean letter to the address above, and cross your fingers!