HEY PORTLAND MERCURY—Go listen to Floater's album Angels in the Flesh and Devils in the Bone (1998), Sink (1994), and then Wake (2010) ["Superunknown," Music, June 24]. Can you honestly tell me that any of those albums sound "grungy" or in fact completely like each other? Have you even listened to their early stuff? Go make out with the Builders and the Butchers, hipster fucks.
-posted by Cactus on portlandmercury.com
YO EADIAF [Letters, June 17]—Lighten up, slappy butt. Soccer is just... a bunch of folks kicking a ball around. Every sport enjoys a rise in the attention paid to it when there are finals, events, etc., by people that may not care about it throughout the season. Dick in a fire, huh? Try this one... take a bike inner tube and cut it. Now stick your cock in one end and put your mouth on the other. Start sucking. When you get a good suction, take the end in your mouth out and put it up your ass. Then go fuck yourself.
BELOVED MERCURY—Thanks for the best and worst book reviews that I have ever read in a single edition of the Mercury. If you are reading this, please do us all a service and place Courtney Ferguson in a large cardboard box, duct tape it closed, and mail it book rate to Entertainment Weekly or some other mass consumed forum for dunces. Ferguson's review for Brett Easton Ellis' Imperial Bedrooms ["Back to the Future," Books, June 24] was a hideous and infuriating foray into the most obvious facets of Ellis' work. On the other side of the spectrum, Tony Perez did a fantastic job shot-gunning Glenn Beck's terrifying and bizarre journey into the world of "faction" ["Fact! Fiction! Factions!" Books, June 24].
DEAR MERCURY—While the unfortunate Canadian ties can't be helped, the mounted patrols are one of those things that make Portland, well, Portland ["Out the Door," Hall Monitor, June 24]. You want us to cry over letting background checkers go? It makes sense to let them go if the department is going to freeze hiring. Besides, the horse cops are what allows me to think not ALL cops are gun-toting crazy cowboys. At least, ironically, not the ones on horseback.
HI ERIK—My name is Blythe Passantino. I'm not really that depressing ["Gryffindors Rule, Hufflepuffs Drool," Blogtown, June 21]!! The New York Times misquoted me. The quote actually was, "When I was 11, I wanted to live in the Harry Potter World. It seemed so much cooler than real life. When the first book came out, who wasn't waiting for a letter from Hogwarts?? Now I read the books to my kids." I think a lot of people turn to literature to escape problems in their lives and the Harry Potter series is a perfect venue in which to do so. What's depressing about someone who found a positive outlet? It kind of sucks that every blogger in the world is ragging on me. But hey, I guess now I'm "Harry Potter famous!"
DEAREST PORTLAND MERCURY—I would like to give a big fat nekkid high five to everyone that rode in the World Naked Bike Ride. I never want to wear clothes when I ride my bike again, except maybe when it's too cold and there aren't 5,000 other nakeds with me. I know we aren't the only city that has a naked bike ride, but ours has got to be by far the most fun, and definitely the sexiest. I love naked people.
LET'S END THIS on that positive note, shall we? Jami gets two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where—we're so sorry—shirt and shoes are required.