READER USES "BABY TALK" TO MAKE POINT
TO THE EDITOR: Poor widdle Portland "activist" community ["Burning Mad," News, August 8]! Them upset with the poweece! Do you burn a flag because you want the police to really like you? Do you burn a flag because you just want to roast weenies in your yard? Do you burn a flag because you don't want a melodramatic write-up in "progressive" papers? Do you burn a flag and then say, "Oh, pweese don't use my last name in your muck-raking rag! I don't want anyone to know I burned a fwag! Oh, boo hoo hoo!"
Fuck with people, get fucked with. Where's the problem?
Oh, pweese don't use my widdle name!
OH, YOU DIRTY DOG
TO THE EDITOR: Less than a month ago I moved to Portland from Florida. Upon learning I could purchase a one-way ticket from Greyhound for $109, I mounted the dog. I had never ridden Greyhound and was oblivious to its reputation for "being a good place to share sexual encounters" ["Riding the Dog," John Dooley, August 8]. My friends insisted I would get molested, so I slipped some condoms in my bag and boarded the back of the bus. Three days and five bus-transfers later, I was still sex-less. There were no young mothers offering to suck me off or any seat-partners for freebie exchange. I decided to take matters into my own hands--literally.
My point is that Greyhound busses are not raunchy road rides like Dooley suggests. I was quite conspicuous with my cock caressing and did not witness any other acts of amour. I hope that new riders of Greyhound will not avoid such dependable transportation because of his article.
EAT A CRISCO SANDWICH
HEY MERCURY: This is for the poor little skinny thing that doesn't like Crisco ["Letters," August 8, wherein Kathy states that skinny people are discriminated against]. I think hunger is driving you into a tizzy, dear. You might need to lie down. Or better yet, eat a sandwich. A Crisco sandwich. And shut the fuck up before I knock you down and steal your Muppets lunch box.
TO SKINNY KATHY: You've got to be shitting me! Poor TRAGIC skinny girl, awwww poor baby. I feel so bad for you, having to "deal with" the curse of being skinny. It must really suck having the body type this entire country glorifies on every magazine cover, TV show, movie, everywhere. When was the last time you saw a fat girl trying to sell detergent?
Have you ever had food hurled at you from a speeding car as you walk down the street? I doubt it. Actually, I would probably do that to you, because you obviously need to eat more--plus it would be pretty funny.
Let me assure you, discrimination, hatred, and disdain towards fat people is alive and well in this country. Just curious, HAVE you ever tried eating Crisco? It might help
THE REAL SKINNY
TO THE EDITOR: [The following note is from the Mrs. Portland Mercury beauty pageant contestant who was told by a couple of judges to "eat some Crisco."--ed] All my life, I've been very thin, it's just how I am. If I were to walk up and say, "No one has ever heard of a sexy fat girl," I would probably get arrested because there are anti-discrimination laws for overweight people. But guess what? Nothing for people who are thin. You have a problem with Southwest Airlines ["Mrs. Portland Mercury 2002," Nicole Hooper, August 1]? OhMyGawsh, me too. I only weigh 95 pounds, and they make me pay full price to sit between two overweight folks.
Thin girls and boys are just as discriminated against as the overweight. I went to Buffalo Exchange, but they wouldn't buy my clothes because they were too small. I'm the one who always has to sit bitch when there are too many people in the car. I'm the one in the contest to be ridiculed. I'm the one people follow into the bathroom to see if I'm vomiting!
Another thing I would like to note is that Nicole Hooper stated she was not hit on or picked up on at the pageant. Well you know what? I WAS--MANY TIMES! So maybe guys would rather fuck a skeleton then a god damm pig-girl. Sorry PHATTY, those are your own words biting you back. I did not discriminate against you for your weight, but you sure did about mine.
Mrs. Sore Loser 2002 and fucking proud!
CONGRATS TO MISS PIGGY, JENNIFER, AND BIANCA, our multiple winners of the Mercury "Letter of the Week!" For their gross insensitivity (but entertaining letters), all three will receive tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater!