DEAR PETA: [RE: "Letters," Sept 26, in which the writer asks the Mercury and all hippie-haters to kiss her "hairy hippie ass."] Hippies are not a radical movement. They are a social group. They drink out of jars and wear mismatched clothing just like their hippie friends. The people who read the Mercury aren't a radical movement either. We listen to obscure music and make fun of everyone just to fit in with our chosen group. And yes, sometimes the Mercury is stupid, but you're stupid, I'm stupid, everyone on this planet is stupid. That's why there are weeklies like the Mercury that make fun of everyone, and if you don't think it's funny, then this paper isn't geared towards you and don't fawking read it. You don't read Maxim for advice about chicks and you don't read the Mercury to get only the unbiased facts.
And before you start thinking I'm so hypocritical, I already know I am. But everyone's a hypocrite, and I don't really care what you think, because being despondent and not accepting other people's opinions is another way I fit into my social group.
blatant disregard of truthful facts
DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY: Yesterday I stumbled across an article for the Taking Back Sunday show ["Up & Coming," Sept 26]. I was puzzled. I respect Carmelo Martinez's opinion on their music, but there is absolutely NO TRUTH in the statement that they are "rich white kids from the suburbs." In fact, they are the opposite. Four out of the five band members are currently homeless. On top of that, two weeks ago their lead singer Adam dislocated his hip and cracked his head open at a show forcing them to cancel a majority of their tour dates, including Portland. Adam has no place to call home, but his father in North Carolina was gracious enough to let him stay there while he's recovering. Because of this accident, Taking Back Sunday has fallen even further into debt. Their guitarist, Eddy, and merch guy, Floyd, decided to stay on the tour to try to sell merch at the shows to earn some of this money back.
It's reviews like Martinez's that make me upset, not because of his opinion, but because of his blatant disregard of stating truthful facts. Next time you write an article, Martinez, examine your assumptions before putting it to press.
Carmelo Martinez responds: B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T! Yeah, I'm sure they really live on the cold/hard streets of suburban Jersey, pushing their equipment around in a shopping cart. If getting money from MCA Records and Pepsi to play terrible music qualifies as being homeless, then sign me up.
the arts fucking rodeo
TO THE MERCURY: Congratulations. Or as the Mercury writers would put it--fucking congratulations. The Arts Rodeo [See page 28], despite its dumb fucking name, kicks ass. The art reviews kick ass, and we need all we can get with that pussy at WW, and don't even get me started about The Oregonian. Did you read the douche's review a few weeks ago in WW where he got carsick watching a fucking video at Elizabeth Leach gallery? HE should be fired, the twat. Keep it up.
more and better annoyance, please
TO THE EDITOR: I hereby acknowledge your efforts to annoy us with David McNeil's "My Friend Karl, The Reasonable Nazi" ["New Column!" Sept 19, Sept 26], and I request its discontinuance. I wish I had more bile to offer, but honestly, it's just boring as shit. You upgraded it from "New Column!" to "Popular New Column!" presumably because no one complained. You know why that is? Because it's too boring to complain about! It's not even annoying! If anything, I think I'm annoyed just because of how non-annoying it is.
The torpor-inducing gray blandness of this relatively benign, tolerable claptrap does not meet the high standard of annoyance I've come to expect from the Mercury. You have squandered the proven annoyance-potential of Nazis, for example, and given us sitcom-level comedy. As annoyance, it registers almost zero. About the only good thing you can say is that its mind-numbing effects make good preparation for the next page, which is Phil Busse's writing on local politics.
In short, my annoyance is impure: it bears the flavor of impatience and boredom. If I want that, I can just read the fucking Willamette Week. You're capable of so much more. the Mercury has created more and better annoyance than this. Please use the "New Column!" space more annoyingly in the future.
CONGRATS TO RUPERT for his annoyingly brilliant "Letter of the Week!" He will receive two free tickets to the increasingly annoying Laurelhurst Theater for his efforts.