DEAR MERCURY—Twenty-four ounce cans are not "tall boys" ["A Really Stiff Chaser," News, Aug 19]. The colloquial "tall boy" refers to a 16-ounce can, sold most frequently in six packs. Twenty-four ounce cans are called "man cans," or if you prefer a non-gendered term, "silos."
DEAR MERCURY—I normally enjoy One Day At a Time, Ann Romano's highly neat column. It is with great regret, then, that I write this missive regarding her column of August 19, 2010. "Avoid nerds"? Really, Ms. Romano, that is just cruel. While it is unfortunate that Adrianne Curry dressed as Slave Leia was groped, I can assure you that it is not generally representative of nerd behavior. We generally live in awe and fear of the opposite sex and I can guarantee you that most nerds who like ladies are far more likely to comport themselves as gentlemen (or gentlewomen) than other segments of the population. Faced with the possibility of any intimate contact, we stammer and freeze, over thinking the entire situation. On behalf of the vast majority of nerds, most of whom are entirely un-grabby when it comes to lady parts, I apologize for what occurred.
I seem to recall TriMet approving a $0.15 fare hike in 2005, a $0.20 fare hike in 2006, and a $0.25 fare hike in 2008 because the gas prices were too high and they weren't making enough money, blah blah blah, but of course when the gas prices went back down the prices stayed the same ["Bus-ted!" News, Aug 19]. That alone was enough to make me resentful toward them, but now another fare hike and a new property tax? TriMet is taking advantage of the economic situation. This is why the government splits up monopolies.
DEAREST MERCURY—Last week's anemic vegetarian drivel in your "I, Anonymous" column is a bad omen of things to come ["Pho No!" Aug 19]. Fleas are not attracted to vegetables; ctenocephalides feed on blood, which is sadly lacking in most, if not all, vegetables. The bugs in question were more likely fruit flies. Veggie pho? Nope, no such thing. However, it would be quite crafty, and one might even say, profitable for a shrewd immigrant entrepreneur to make a tasteless watery vegetable broth and pass it off as pho to the ever-so-economically-privileged who can actually choose to slowly starve their brains to death. Would I be so upset with J. Doe if he/she had actually helped this waiter and his restaurant become aware of their mistake (because maggots really are NOT good to eat, they can survive within the human body and do rather unpleasant things to our live inner meats) and save a local pho joint's business... Well, I have an excellent Sardinian cheese, casu marzu, to go with your thin yet complex, flavorless whine.
Dear Humpy, I just finished this week's I <3 TV about... crap I forgot her name ["In Defense of Bush," I Love Television, Aug 19]. Some porn star I've never heard of's pubes. I am 22. My generation is adamant about shaving. It drives me fucking crazy. IT SERIOUSLY COMES UP LIKE ONCE A WEEK. Thank you for not being a stupid douche. I guess that's a pretty lame compliment but I mean really well by it, at least.
WEAR YOUR PUBES long and proud, Sylvia, and carry them high as you take your winnings from this week's letter prize. You scored two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, where pubes are welcome, but not at the table.