HIPSTER FUCKING BIKE TIPS

HEY HIPSTER BIKERS—Just a few tips to help keep you safe this year. (1) Wear a fucking helmet! (2) Obey fucking intersection and crosswalk signals! (3) Put a fucking reflector or fucking blinking red light on your shitty messenger bag! (4) Again, get fucking over yourself and wear a fucking helmet!

-Responsible Biker

YAY CANADA!

HI SARAH [MIRK]—Thanks for writing about Seth Stambaugh ["Don't Ask, Don't Tell?" News, Oct 7]! Here in Canada we have same-sex marriage and I was very happy when that become legal. Let him know that people are supporting him!

-Steve

VENUS AND DRUNKENNESS

DEAR MERCURY—RE: Ned Lannamann's review of Carmina Burana ["Two Kinds of Opera," Theater, Sept 30]: The oratorio's texts were written by the Goliard poets, 12th and 13th century defrocked monks and clerical students who mocked the Church, its Crusades, and looming Inquisitional terrors, at risk of their priestly careers and, increasingly, their lives. Sacred Hymns to the Virgin were satirically readdressed to Venus and Drunkenness, and in a milieu of incipient plague (no antibiotics), constant wars (for Christ), a 45-year lifespan (if you were lucky), and the combined Itch of Church and State to silence heresy (intelligent rebellion) by threat of torture and live human barbecues in the village plaza, the Goliards celebrated Life, Youth, Feast and Delirium, Sex and Spring—fools that they were, they were radical and brave. Virtues that seem to have escaped Mr. Lannamann. 

-Barbara Mor

ALL DUE RESPECT

DEAR MERCURY—With all due respect, Mr. Lannamann can kiss my fucking ass. While critiquing the new book by Alex Ross, the reviewer chose to stereotype the classical music crowd as a bunch of "doddering gray-hairs"—a statement not only completely bogus, but also about as original as getting some ink done with your Mercury paycheck ["Listen to This by Alex Ross," Books, Oct 7]. If you're looking to pigeonhole a clearly homogenous audience, check out the Doug Fir, not the Schnitz.

-Brian Horay, "Angry Symphony Guy"

HE'S PUTTING IT IN A FOLDER!

TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—Hi Sarah, this is Sam Lethem in Boise, Idaho. I attended the Round-Up's 50th anniversary as a young cow doctor. I so enjoyed you and Patrick Alan Coleman's article ["Let 'er Buck," Feature, Sept 23]. I'm going to take the stuff that you wrote and put it in a folder so I can read it often.

IT'S PORTLAND, Y'ALL!

DEAR ANONYMOUS—A Portlander for seven years, I've seen some truly amazing acts of public sex go down in this city, including a guy with a seemingly foot-long cock vigorously throat-fucking an enthusiastic woman at the bus stop at 15th and W Burnside as crowds of Crystal Ballroom concertgoers passed in cars and on sidewalks ["Finishing the Job," I, Anonymous, Oct 7]. This is Portland, y'all!

-JB

THANKS FOR THE IMAGE JB! And OMFG! The deadline for the 2010 Hump! amateur porn contest is Friday, Oct 15! Check out portlandmercury.com/hump for all the nitty-gritty details. Meanwhile, JB scores two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, where the "fish" are good enough to hump.