DEAR MERCURY—Look, the Mercury needs a fucking iPhone app already. I'm in Afghanistan, and one of the only things that keeps me sane is reading about the antics of that [Wm. Steven] Humphrey fellow. If you do this then I can finally get my Mercury fix when I need it.
-A Portlander in the 'Stan
DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY—Why is it that every media outlet in this city—including your trite fucking newspaper—goes on fueling the uneducated fire of fear and negativity that has become the stigma surrounding opiates? Why don't you assholes spend your time reporting on the dangers of drugs that actually are harmful to people's health? It seems that you bozos in the middle-class media would be unable to accept the fact that someone like me—a person that has been on opiates for the past 12 years, since I was 14—could ever manage to live a productive life. But don't get me wrong, there are a lot of kids that can't handle their dope. They snatch purses and hold up liquor stores—knock the windows out of cars and blame it on heroin. They're as bad as fucking breast cancer survivors. They cry on television, embellish memoirs, warn you to do things differently. Most of the stories you print about heroin and other opiates are isolated incidents, which makes them uninformed and insignificant.
-The Complete All-American De-Anxietized Man
THE MERCURY RESPONDS: As we can't recall anything we've written regarding heroin of late, we think you may have us confused with another paper. Way to make your point.
DEAR MERCURY—Hopefully the failed levy will teach TriMet a lesson in what happens when services are cut while the spidery arms of expansion march on in the outskirts of Portland ["TriMet's Plan B," News, Nov 11]. I'm still waiting for a fast connection from the Powell area to Broadway that bypasses downtown. If we're lucky, the Milwaukie light rail extension will be put on hold forever. Milwaukie has bad food and ridiculous speed traps intended for unsuspecting Portlanders. So it's bad enough that roads connect us to it. No one should have to live there, let alone MAX there.
DEAR MERCURY—Seriously, people. Another unoriginal, everyone-likes-girls-and-boobs cover [Cover, Nov 11]? You had nothing more creative in mind to represent the anything-sexual-goes event of HUMP! than two chicks and a guy? Don't get me wrong—as the bisexual slut, er... vixen (?) that I am, I can appreciate the female form. And I do (those girls are way hot). But how about the straight female, and gay male, and whoever else is down for dick percentage of Portland? You can't even see Front Cover Dude's package (and that's no insult to him). I haven't actually looked at statistics, because statistics are boring, but I figure prick lovers are hardly a minority in Portland, if not a majority. So I ask you, sexy editors, on behalf of a lot of Portland (and in deliberate spite of any straight guys who are cringing as they read this), WHERE'S THE COCK???
HAVE YOU EVER tried to sell newspapers without girls and boobs? It can't be done, S.E.B., but since you called us "sexy," you get two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, where you should start planning your bisexual slut/vixen submission for next year's HUMP!
We're currently tabulating all your votes for HUMP! 2010 (thanks a bunch for attending—it was a horny blast!), and should have the results next week! Stay tuned!