TO THE EDITOR, VIA VOICEMAIL: "Wm Steven Humphrey, I need your help immediately! I'm at Billy Ray's Dive here on MLK in Northeast Portland, where somebody is showing old Aquaman cartoons here in the bar as we speak. I don't know whose idea this was, but they need to be stopped immediately. I can only assume that since office hours are over, you're now snorting very expensive cocaine off the stomach of a $10,000 hooker, but if you can wreak some vengeance upon these people, they need to be dealt with. You are the man for the job. Help us, Humpy, you're our only hope."
WHAT THE FREAK IS "FILK"?
TO THE MERCURY (i.e. those who believe they represent "coolness" in Portland): Have you ever stopped to think you're not as cool as you think you are? Mayhaps you'd consider there are more people doing things that you never see, that therefore might, by power of numbers alone, be thereby cooler than you?
For instance, you obsess over these "Detroit Rock" bands, and skinny white people playing "electroclash." Yet beyond your range of vision, at great gatherings of many spirited individuals, I've seen great halls full of people dancing, disrobing, and reveling to the older-than-Earth sounds of masters of the art of filk. What is "filk," ye may ask? Filk is a tradition old as the hills, fueled by ceaseless cups of honey mead, not your swill Pabst (fie!).
If you were to step out of your soulless rock clubs and happen upon such filk masters, you might never again promote the derivative dribble of storyless snivelers. Though I know this will fall on giggling ears of non-believers, we need not your foul coverage, for our culture travels by word of mouth, not on your cheap rags that bear the plague across the sodden lands.
ATHIESTS AGAINST DISCRIMINATION
TO THE EDITOR: People like Gerhardt Goeken ["Letters," Jan 22] are no better than racists or sexists. He claims that "Americans are not ready for a president who espouses alternative religious views." I suppose that means in his narrow, ignorant opinion we're not ready for a female or black president either.
As an atheist I accept the fact I'm a member of what will probably be the last group to be discriminated against in this country. I once had my work hours cut in half shortly after revealing my atheism to a boss. My family has shunned me for my beliefs. Christians are constantly attempting to convert me, and sometimes even treat me as if something were seriously wrong with what I believe.
As long as xenophobes like Gerhardt Goeken continue to behave like this, every president for the rest of our sorry lives will be a straight white Christian male. So much for diversity.
stop IGNORING my CLITORIS
TO THE EDITOR: Question: How many women have had an orgasm during sex with the fumbling idiots who wrote the Mercury's 4th Annual Sex Survey [Jan 22]? (Here's a hint... ZIPPITY DOO DAH!)
I am hallucinating in a cave of hot sperm and blind bats, eyes bleeding worse than day one of my period because I just gouged them out with watermelon flavored Dum Dums. Why? Because the sex survey in the "left wing" Mercury doesn't mention the word clitoris. Clitoris. CLITORIS.
Jesusfuckingchrist, G.W. Bush is probably more knowledgeable about how to please a girl than you. Orgasms 101: most women don't orgasm from guys banging away at our birthing canals. "But she screams and has wild orgasms when I pound away," you say? Well, she's FAKING. She loves you because you're adorable, or kind, or you got her tickets to that Valentine's Day Interpol show at Berbati's last year--not because she's having orgasms.
Here's one for next year's boy section: DO YOU KNOW WHAT AND WHERE THE CLITORIS IS? The clitoris is the only human organ created solely for the purpose of pleasure, and pleasure only. Learn it, know it, love it.
CONGRATS TO LAURIE for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week" which includes two tickets to Laurelhurst Theater and two passes to see your clitoris at Berbati's on Feb 4. Wait... not clitoris... Nada Surf. Thank you.
THREE THINGS TO REMEMBER
1. Sex Surveys are due on Wednesday, February 4. Fill yours out today at
www.portlandmercury.com , you dirty bird!
2. Valentines are due on Wednesday, February 4. Send your 30 word submission to
email@example.com , you lovebird!
3. The Winter Prozac Film Series (where you can drink beer and heckle campy films) starts on Friday, February 6, with Fast Times at Ridgemont High. See you there, you... bird.