TO THE BLASPHEMOUS STAFF AT THE MERCURY: I've been reading your shit rag for too long. You don't have any respect for anyone or anything, you kick people when they're down, and then spit on them. You think you know it all and only listen to others when you think you may be able to make fun of what they're saying. And I don't know why you don't have any respect for our brilliant President and his Cabinet. But the last straw was the wording on the cover of your Feb. 26 issue when you wrote "Christ Gets An Ass-Kickin'." [RE: The Passion of the Christ.]
Is nothing sacred? I just have one question for the staff at the Mercury --do you have any job openings? I'll do anything, even clean up puke.
THE PASSION OF THE HUMPY
TO THE MERCURY: Apparently, some readers think Wm. Steven Humphrey is a "miserable cunt" ["Letters," Feb 5] Okay... okay... maybe he is. But hey, at least he's an "M.C." that can joyously excrete a spot-on revelation of Mel Gibson's Roman-esquepades, The Passion of the Christ [Film, "Lethal Whippin'," Feb 26]. Oh my lordy Steve, keep testifyin' with all your juices flowing.
Bob (The Avowedly non-Catholic) Priest
SHUT YOUR LEGS, KATIE!
TO THE EDITOR: In regards to Ms. Shimer's latest article on brew pubs and her apparent disdain for children who are allowed to eat at these establishments [Last Supper, "Late Day Rendezvous," Feb 26].
We hope she doesn't breed. God forbid she should ever want to enjoy a refreshing beer after taking her kids to the park! We parents deserve breaks, too. She doesn't like "screaming, bratty kids," and we don't like "pseudo-sophisticates" who think they deserve respite from the rest of the world in a public, family-based establishment. We'd all be better off if Ms. Shimer (assuming she's a "Miss" and not a "Mrs.") would keep her legs and mouth shut in this matter.
Allen Bennett and Lea Keohane
NOT IN MY BIBLE!
DEAR LOVENOTES: On my shelf are well read copies of the books of many faiths. A quick check of my "New American Standard" reference bible shows that none of the verses that appeared in your letters section ["Letters," Tom Trottier, Feb 26] appears in my version of the bible. They at best loosely describe a story being told, and are, in my opinion, grossly out of context and very misleading.
With that said, I'd like to mention I'm against the anti-gay marriage proposal. The bible thumpers can be beaten at their own game, but misquoting a book to a group that has it memorized is not the way to go about it.
I HATE TIPPY AND HER TURKEY!
TO THE EDITOR: What the fuck are you guys doing with those crappy new columns? "Tippy... Don't Touch that Turkey!" [Charley Thompson, Feb 26] and the one from the week before, "Rusty... Don't Eat that Ham!" [Feb 19] were by far the most retarded things I've ever read in this paper. It sounds like you just wrote down every word some moron said to their pet.
I've gotta say though, the Merc's real low point was the January 22nd's "Let's Laugh a Little!" by Seymour Henderson [In which the author describes his wife's unsuccessful battle with cancer]. I did not, in fact, laugh... not even a little. Actually I felt sorry for the guy and wanted to give him a hug.
But that Jerry Masterson? He's a column genius! Holy mother of god, where did that "4th grader" go?! For the love of all that is good and pure, get rid of these fucking dog columns and bring back Jerry.
Oh! And you guys should include some Wilson High School events in your "My, What a Busy Week."
CONGRATULATIONS TO MOLLY for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week." For her incisive critique of our new columns, Molly wins two passes to the Laurelhurst Theater and two tickets to see Strike Anywhere at Nocturnal on Friday, March 12!
HEY GAY MARRIAGE LOVERS!
You don't gotta be gay to fight against discrimination. Help the Mercury raise money for the Human Rights Campaign and Lambda Legal Defense Fund at The Wedding Party. Besides supporting same-sex couples, we'll be registering voters, laughing a lot, signing petitions, eating cake, and most importantly, smacking that ass to the tunes of DJ Chaos Engine. Hilarious local star Wade McCollum will be hosting, and Rev. Wm. Steven Humphrey will be marrying multi-gendered couples. It's only a $10 donation and a bonafide hoot, so don't miss The Wedding Party at Holocene (1001 SE Morrison), 6 pm, this Sunday, March 7!