TO THE MERCURY AT 2:30 AM, VIA DRUNK GIRL VOICE MAIL: "Jesus Christ... you guys need to get one of those messages that says, um, skip all the motherfucking extension numbers and leave a message. Um... I have something I need to address. First, I think you guys need to do an entire issue on alcohol. I know you've done, like, variations of alcohol stuff in the past, but it was really half-assed, and I think you need to go totally hardcore now. I don't even know if this is recording, but I'm just going to keep talking because... um, I need to tell you this.
So I think you need to, like, interview some, like, uh... doctors or chemistry majors or whatever, and like, get the low-down on hangovers and why they happen and how to, like, prevent or cure them... and... just everything. You've gotta do it. I mean, every fucking person in Portland drinks, so I think it'd be really helpful.
So maybe you guys can... uh... be... more helpful on that. Anyway, um... I've got to get another drink... so I hope that you're getting this message and you'll... um... adhere to my advice.... Alright, thanks."
I WANT NUDE KATIE SHIMER!
TO THE MERCURY: So, you tempt us with the headline that one of your staffers is writing about being a nude model--but then you give us Evan James ["I Was a Nude Model," Aug 19]? Not Katie Shimer? Or Marjorie Skinner? Does this mean that if I want to see Katie naked, I have to go to Sandy Hut at closing time?
DEAR "TOWEL HEAD" TIM
TO THE MERCURY: This is in response to "Towel Head" Tim ["Letters," Aug 19, in which Tim assails "lefties" for condemning America's attacks on Iraq]. You should know that lefties understand "DEATH AND DESTRUCTION" as well as you do, but we don't believe genocide is the only response to genocide. People are not expendable. The beheadings you have probably watched fanatically are in direct response to our presidents' ill-advised actions, and are meant to propagate your delusional ramblings and WWIII paranoia. If, and only if, everyone in the country has gone completely sideways--like you apparently have--then the terrorists have truly won. There are obviously ulterior motives behind the war in Iraq, which have nothing to do with WHEN THEY STRUCK THE TWIN TOWERS--and if you don't recognize that, you're a MORON. I love my country because nobody can tell me what I "better wake up and" do.
P.S. You are a redneck.
WAKE UP AND SMELL YOUR IGNORANCE
HEY MERCURY: Can you please pass this on to "Tim," the jackass who wrote in about the "towel heads." I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on you, as the majority of Americans are as ignorant and brainwashed as you are, but you've left me with no choice.
You wrote, "WE WERE ATTACKED ON 9/11! ...WHEN THEY STRUCK THE TWIN TOWERS THEY STARTED WORLD WAR THREE!" Well, the "THEY" you refer to is actually our own fucking government. Most people don't seem to understand the impossibility of steel-framed structures melting and then neatly collapsing due to fire UNLESS they were conveniently loaded with explosives. This is just one of thousands of examples about that day that point toward governmental complicity.
So you think our "president" has balls, huh? Well, if you disregard the fact that he's just a little patsy bitch, then yes, you're right. He has the balls to be the front man for the most violent, lawless, and corrupt government in the world, in part by staging, participating in, and covering up the most audacious terrorist act ever.
IT'S "TOWEL HEAD" TIM'S FAULT!
DEAR "TOWEL HEAD" TIM: I'm from New York and was there when the towers went down. As I wept uncontrollably for a month, I blamed simple-minded assholes like you for what happened. You ignorant fucks are the dead weight that has dragged this nation into an educational stupor. Your complete lack of awareness and an inability to place 9/11 in the larger context places a good amount of blame squarely on your shoulders.
When I smelled that acrid bloody air and heard the jets you so love flying through the air, I couldn't hate the terrorists as I was busy hating you. I've waited too long to say this, but fuck all of you who remotely agree with Tim. You're the collective albatross that has relegated this nation to mediocrity. I hope you, your family, and all your friends get the most excruciating cancer around. You fucking well deserve it, you useless cunts.
CONGRATS TO BART for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week," which includes tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and passes to see Solex at Dante's on Oct. 21! Yowtch.