[Welcome to our annual Best Mercury Letters of the Year, in which we take stock of the most hilarious and smart, but mostly hilarious, letters (and web comments) of 2010!—Ed.]
Your tongue-in-cheek column "Recall This Columbia Sportswear Jacket" was offensive [New Column!, Jan 28]. You trivialized the issues and belittled a group of concerned citizens who are just trying to stand up for their values. The heinousness of Dale's Columbia Sportswear jacket and Dale's lies about it, these are very serious issues that affect all of us. Dale wearing that jacket is an insult to the fashion conscious everywhere, and it makes a laughingstock of our city. Many of us feel Dale's poor judgment in this one personal matter negates and overshadows any ability, dedication to consensus ideals, or proven results he may have demonstrated in the past. We absolutely do need this expensive recall, and furthermore, as Dale's friends and family, we must treat Dale as a pariah, maybe forever, for his own good and ours. Anything less would be complete abdication of our values. It's true, none of us know if Dale can find a decent replacement for that horrible jacket, but $350,000 absolutely is a small price to pay for the privilege of knowing something was done about it all, and voters finally got to weigh in on this important matter.
DEAR MERCURY—The headline "NORWEGIAN METAL: The best thing to come out of Norway since... well, ever" on the cover of your Feb. 4 issue is offensive to Norwegians everywhere. Nowhere in the accompanying article was there even a brief mention of the two great Norwegian contributions to the world—the paper clip and cheese slicer ["One Foot in the Grave," Film, Feb 4]. This myopic lack of perspective is all too common in the Mercury.
WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY—Sandra rocks ["I Dislike You, Sandra Bullock!" I Love Television, March 4]!! She does not have a mustache. She has accomplished more in her life then u have. All u do is write stupid columns in a free paper. Get over yourself.
I'd like to raise a peep about the bike plan by reiterating my previous comment—WTF ["Bottoming Out," Hall Monitor, March 11]?!? Six hundred million dollars? Did Dr. Evil come up with that sum? Can we not make biking more accessible to Portlanders for LESS than $600 million? Or is $300 million earmarked for consultants, à la CRC [Columbia River Crossing] budgeting genius? It's like a bad joke—I'm just waiting for someone to say "Gotcha! We really only need $20 million, but we knew no one would go for it, so we started out with $600 million." But even then I'd say, "WTF?!? Twenty million for a bike plan?"
-posted by nibbler83
DEAR MERCURY—Being a man who knows the value of good Eros, I very much enjoyed HUMP! 2009. However, I did not notice, and therefore was disappointed not to see, some wholesome, tastefully done water sports scenarios. Reading about the HUMP! 2010 in the March 25 issue of the Mercury, I felt led to mention someone may wish to do a short segment of water sports ["Lights... Camera... ACTION!" Feature, March 25]. Tastefully done, of course. The golden stream is a worthy sport, and certainly deserves its place along with other forms of kink. Many guys know the pleasure of taking a good hard piss, and many well know the fascination of pissing into a well-placed urinal. Certainly water sports are enjoyable for anyone who values this bodily erotic experience. Some guys like to take this bodily fluid directly from the faucet, AKA a guy's penis—it's high-powered erotic, and is a time-honored practice among some men. Women can do this with their beau as well, if they so desire. Part of Keeping Portland Weird is doing the unusual. Piss action is not for everyone, however for those who know the value of a good stream of golden piss—it's intense and highly pleasurable. Since it's a natural part of "the human condition,'' it is organic sex play.
TO THE MERCURY: I just had this idea. You guys should do an issue about drinking or sex.
DEAR MERCURY—I chanced to espy in your One Day at a Time column [April 15] a reference to a new revelation of a long-ago relationship between Oprah Winfrey and John Tesh. The very brief, oversimplified piece is concluded by smugly calling John Tesh a "fucking sissy." I had to shake my head at your magazine's ignorance because anyone who has ever listened to the 1994 Sax by the Fire CD knows that Tesh is a true sexual warrior, straight up. Men, put on that copy of Sax by the Fire the next time you have a lady over—trust me on this one.
DEAR MERCURY—While I must grudgingly admit to agreeing with most of Taryn Johnson's bad dance flick picks, I take all kinds of exception to her bald-faced hatred of exotic DANCERS [Employee Picks, May 13]. What we do IS dancing, much as you'd like to think otherwise. I hereby challenge Ms. Johnson to a strip-off. They say never judge someone 'til you've walked a mile in their shoes. I doubt she could so much as stand in mine.
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—Hi, my name is Catherine Shrek. I've been living in Portland a few years now and reading your paper regularly. I'm flipping it through this week, and there's almost no content. I'm wondering if you might need a few more writers. If so, I'd be very happy to help you out.
DEAR MERCURY—I normally enjoy One Day At a Time, Ann Romano's highly neat column. It is with great regret, then, that I write this missive regarding her column of August 19, 2010. "Avoid nerds"? Really, Ms. Romano, that is just cruel. While it is unfortunate that Adrianne Curry dressed as Slave Leia was groped, I can assure you that it is not generally representative of nerd behavior. We generally live in awe and fear of the opposite sex and I can guarantee you that most nerds who like ladies are far more likely to comport themselves as gentlemen (or gentlewomen) than other segments of the population. Faced with the possibility of any intimate contact, we stammer and freeze, over thinking the entire situation. On behalf of the vast majority of nerds, most of whom are entirely un-grabby when it comes to lady parts, I apologize for what occurred.
Dear Humpy, I just finished this week's I <3 TV about... crap I forgot her name ["In Defense of Bush," I Love Television, Aug 19]. Some porn star I've never heard of's pubes. I am 22. My generation is adamant about shaving. It drives me fucking crazy. IT SERIOUSLY COMES UP LIKE ONCE A WEEK. Thank you for not being a stupid douche. I guess that's a pretty lame compliment but I mean really well by it, at least.
DEAR ANONYMOUS—A Portlander for seven years, I've seen some truly amazing acts of public sex go down in this city, including a guy with a seemingly foot-long cock vigorously throat-fucking an enthusiastic woman at the bus stop at 15th and W Burnside as crowds of Crystal Ballroom concertgoers passed in cars and on sidewalks ["Finishing the Job," I, Anonymous, Oct 7]. This is Portland, y'all!
People will never tire of bitching, nor will the Mercury tire of clinging lovingly to the Ma-yor's taint like so much underwear lint ["Take Your City and Shove It!" Feature, Oct 14].
-Posted by orgengine
Ned, you know that the Spider-Man Broadway adaptation is horrid by whose account ["Flying High: Zip Zap Zoom," Theater, Nov 4]?? How the hell would you know anything about it when there hasn't been any preview shows... God... I can't stand you talent-less no-nothing bloggers who sit in judgment of people with talent... STFU you hack.
-Posted by jack27
The real Aron Ralston was actually a major DUMBASS ["Rock, Blood, and Bone," Film, Nov 18]. He went off rock hopping in the wild and told NO ONE where he was—DUMBASS! He didn't bother to bring a cell phone with him—DUMBASS! He brought almost NO provisions because he assumed he'd only be gone for a few hours—DUMBASS! Apparently, when he finally did free himself, he was still eight miles from his truck. So the guy goes on a nature walk for eight goddamn miles in a near-desert environment in MAY and has just ONE bottle of water?! DUMBASS! The guy quit his job as a mechanical engineer at Intel so he could "climb all the mountains in Colorado." DUMBASS! According to his Wiki page, Ralston now makes his living as a "corporate" speaker and makes between $25,000-37,000 each time people come and listen to his dumb ass talk. Yeah, you know what's awesome? Having TWO arms!
-posted by DamosA