"DAY LABORER SCHMAY LABORER"
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—"On the labor disagreement story by Amy J. Ruiz ["Labor Disagreement," News, May 3]: As a former business owner in the area of 6th and E Burnside, I would just like to add that the truth is that a good portion of these day laborers are not laborers—in fact, they're heroin dealers. You look at their shoes; you can tell which one's the day laborer and which one isn't. The one with the dirty boots on is the day laborer. The one with the brand-new Nikes on, that's the heroin dealer. Anyway, my point: day laborer, schmay laborer."
OUR BRIBERY BUDGET IS TAPPED
TO MATT DAVIS VIA VOICEMAIL—"Hi Matt, it's Kevin Chard again. ["Trust Me, I'm a Rent-a-Cop," Feature, May 3, in which Chard was mentioned as the only employee of Portland Patrol, Inc. to have been mistakenly allowed to work before his disqualifying legal background was discovered. This voicemail was left after a conversation with author Matt Davis, in which Chard refused to talk about his experience with the company.] After thinking about it, if you want more information I'll let you know, but it'll cost some money. I'll divulge whatever information you want, but you know it doesn't come cheap. It comes with a price. So if you want the information, you want the scoop, you guys have gotta pay."THE MERCURY RESPONDS: Hmmmm... you drive a hard bargain, Kevin. How about this: your story in exchange for a dinner at No Fish! Go Fish! and two tickets to the Laurelhurst. Your move!
POTTER'S POOR SHOW
DEAR EDITOR—I was absolutely astounded reading that Mayor Tom Potter is too "insufficiently informed about the contract [regarding the details of the city's contract with Portland Patrol, Inc.] to be able to comment" ["Trust Me, I'm a Rent-a-Cop," Feature, May 3]. These people wield guns, and yet our mayor apparently has no idea under what rules these mercenaries operate.
DEAREST MERCURY—I wanted to share with you and your many readers how touched I was to learn more about being "fat positive" and "fat activism" as a cohesive social movement ["Fat Girl Speaks," Letters, May 3]. I fully support this movement and feel a deep sorrow in knowing that so many in Portland are physically fit and take it upon themselves to exercise, and even dare to eat with a conscience. Looking forward to our next date...
Double-Wide Movie Theater Seats
DEAR ANN ROMANO—Wow, Ann, how can you be so harsh on the man that has given beautiful college girls the ability to go wild [One Day at a Time, May 3, in which Romano calls Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis the King of All Douchebags]? You are obviously threatened by the fact that you could never be a girl gone wild. Hey, really, if it makes you feel better I would give you $.99 for a consensual video of you going wild. Jealousy is a bitch, and so are you, Ann Romano.
MR. BEAN: UNRESOLVED
DEAR MERCURY—Who's this Larold character to tell us about where Mr. Bean is and/or isn't popular ["A Terrible Mr. Bean Error," Letters, May 3]? Just to clarify (and protect your fact checkers—any cute ones of the female variety: "How YOU doin'?"), if Mr. Bean is not popular then why is it that: "Comedy Mr. Bean's Holiday has topped the UK and Ireland box office on its debut weekend, figures from Screen International show"?
DEAR GOD, will we ever get to the bottom of this Mr. Bean controversy? Will we be inundated with letters containing contrary points of view on the pressing matter of Mr. Bean until the issue is finally resolved? So be it. In the meantime, Oisín wins two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch for two at No Fish! Go Fish!, where Mr. Bean has to sit in the soup.