TO THE MERCURY: Sweet Jesus, who is that vision of hotness on the cover of your Party issue [Oct 14]? And is she wearing an anti-gravity bra? Please, Mercury, tell me where she bought this futuristic undergarment, and give us more of this luscious party girl!
Dear Billy Bobby: That striking young lady on the cover was no other than Mercury intern Jenna Roadman, and we can't tell you what kind of bra she's wearing--because she's not wearing one. Thank you, God!
HELP ME BE "COOL"!
TO THE EDITOR: I'm just your average bumfuck reader and I'm really not cool. Not not cool in the way all the cool hipster folk are not cool... I am actually NOT cool. Anyhow I just met this amazing lady, a NYC music critic, who loves the same books I do. SO! I need to get real cool, real fast--where could I find a list of really good, not well known music?
Dear Yikes: Luckily for you, as of 5 pm yesterday, "NOT cool" is now totally cool! Therefore, impress the underpants off your fancy lady with the following bands--who are so NOT COOL. 1) Ted Nugent, 2) Hootie and the Blowfish, 3) The New Partridge Family, 4) The Beatles, 5) Spin Doctors, 6) Avril Lavigne, 7) Matchbox 20 and/or Sugar Ray, 8) Statch and the Rapes, 9) Seven Mary Three, 10) Everclear 11) Phish, 12) Velvet Revolver, 13) Huey Lewis and the News, 14) Dave Matthews Band, 15) Nelson, 16) Godsmack, 17) Creed, 18) Bare Naked Ladies, 19) Rush, and who can forget 20) Korn.
PIXIE: YEAST FREE SINCE 2003
TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: [RE: "Letters," Oct 21, in which Pixie claimed the Bush administration was directly responsible for 9/1l, and we accused her of "going off her meds"]. The reason you tried to shut me down in your sorry-ass way is because your spineless little TV-addicted ass and your yeast-infected stuck-up bitch of a wife plan on breeding more little clone bitches of yourselves and thus are in denial you live in a country whose own government is so shitty it would actually stoop as low as they did on 9/11. I used to think you were a smart and funny, Humpy, but now I've lost all respect for you. Why don't you and your wife come to my place for lunch, and I'll let you both feast on my non-yeast infected pussy, you motherfucking over-Zolofted TV baby?
P.S. My apologies to your wife--I'm sure she actually has a great pussy.
Dear Pixie: Thanks for your letter, and your kind words about my wife. By the way, I just read on the internet that yeast infected pussies are DOUBLE what they were before 9/11. Who are the conspirators? No other than Dick Cheney, Osama bin Laden, and the Old Spaghetti Factory (which totally explains why their bread tastes so funny).
P.S. You win the Mercury "Letter of the Week" which includes two passes to the Laurelhurst and two tickets to see The Dwarves on Nov. 6 at Dante's. (That is, if Donald Rumsfeld and Lionel Richie haven't blown the place up.)