[FROM THE EDITOR: Last issue, Music Editor Zac Pennington made the grievous error of calling pop band Bowling for Soup "the worst band ever." Inflamed with righteous indignation, BFS fans have exacted their revenge, bombarding our office with over 500 angry emails. Here are some of the best! (See page 21 for what we hope will be a groveling apology from Mr. Pennington.)]
HELLO THERE: First off, Bowling For Soup is not the worst band ever, they are the best band ever! I have seen them three times in the past five months and they rocked every time. I seriously don't know what your problem is, and why you can't see that they rock. But u really make me mad, so if you think bowling for soup is the worst band ever, then I would hate to see who you think is the best band. U need to get to know their music better, cause they rock.
YOU FUCKING BITCH: Bowling For Soup rocks and they are not pop, they're pop-punk, so jack off and die!
EXCUSE ME SWEETY: but bowling for soup is not the worst band! on the contrairy, they are the best band on the face of the earth!!! the reason they totally rock on a stick is cus jaret:sings awsome and is soooooo hott, erik:is the best vocalist/guitarist, chris:plays so good that its not even funny, and last but not least gary rox out loud on the drums!!! all in all they are just greatness on a stick! lol! bfs is my favorite band! i even met them! they are so kool! they are all just totall sweet hearts! well any way hope u change your mind about bfs!
DEAR MR. WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-IS: You have no right to say that a band is the worst band ever. NOBODY does. Just because you and your "friends" may not like it, does not mean that they are the worst band ever. I don't really like Simple Plan, but my sister does. I tell her all the time they suck and they are the worst band ever, but that doesn't mean they are actually the worst band. And I know that I partially contradicted myself, making myself look like a hypocrite, but it is my sister that I was talking to, and siblings always say things like that.
DEAR MERCURY MAGAZINE: I am absoultly ashamed of this magazine. In fact I am embarrased to even be caught reading such a horid magazine. I can't believe your lack of taste. If these are your opinions, then I deffinatly don't want anything to do with your magazine. I will never in my life purchase another copy. You have quite a disappointing magazine. Extreamly upset!
STOP THE PRESSES! RAPE IS "BAD"
TO THE MERCURY: I just filled out your sex survey [Jan 20] and I wanted to ask that you please be careful to CLEARLY state that "rape fantasies" are fantasies, and REAL RAPE IS BAD when you publish the results of the sex survey. I understand the whole fantasy thing, but I think it's important to NOT send out the message that women want to be raped. Please. You know how people can misread things, and rape is disgustingly common in our society. I hope you see the importance of this!
LESBIANS DON'T HAVE SEX
TO THE EDITOR: As women and practicing lesbians, we object to your unthinking disqualification of hand jobs as sex. By that definition, many lesbians have never had sex. If you knew any lesbians, you would know that hands are a primary sexual organ. There are many varieties of the sexual experience. Please try to be less penis-centric in the future--it's so boring.
Hanna Job & Iona Finger
MARJORIE SKINNER (the author of this year's Sex Survey) RESPONDS: Sorry, ladies, but lesbians don't get to define "sex"--otherwise they would include brushing each other's hair or sharing a bottle of hand lotion. It's called "going all the way" for a reason. However, just because you naïvely believe "handjobs" = "sex" doesn't mean you don't deserve winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week!" Enjoy two tickets to see Matisyahu at Dante's on February 10, and two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater--where finger banging is always encouraged.
CALLING ALL LOVEBIRDS! HEY READERS! Don’t forget to email us your 30-word valentines (or use this handy form) by WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 2! And yes, there’s still time for you to visit www.portlandmercury.com and fill out the 2005 Mercury Sex Survey (where handjobs are always good and rape is always bad).