DEAR MERCURY—I just finished reading your recent article, "Improbable Cause" [News, May 17]. Even if the warrant was legally obtained with the blessings of those on high in the city government, why in the hell did they need to break the door down and terrorize the family? I'm not a Portland native, but is it common practice in this city to serve warrants with a pre-dawn, jack-booted, "how-de-doo and taste some floor," or would the city's police image perhaps be better served by merely ringing the doorbell and demanding entry under the authority of the warrant?
DEAR MERCURY—Can you please, please, plu-eeeez test out your new cartoons for humor value before you start running them? Like this new dinosaur cartoon [Dinosaur Comics]. If I taught animation (hey, I do) this computer clip-art strip would get about a D- in the creativity department. Why are you giving this a double-height column? I am glad you finally got rid of Blecky [Yuckarella] but how about something funny, like Perry Bible Fellowship?
DEAR MERCURY—Carolyn, STFU about [the] Merc's artwork and the hilarious Dino[saur] Comics ["Doodle Don't," Letters, May 17]. If art had anything to do with how funny a comic strip is, Prince Valiant would be fucking hilarious. You're reading the Mercury, not a Marvel comic book. So find something more legit to dock points on besides artwork in a newsletter, you whiny snob.
THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD
DEAR MERCURY—This letter is in response to Amy J. Ruiz's article, "No Bar in My Backyard" [News, May 17]. What your article failed to mention is that NE 22nd has gone from a street where neighbors woke up to hypodermic needless, broken beer bottles, and used condoms in their front yards to a quiet family neighborhood where children now play safely. Mr. [Reed] Lamb says a bar has been his dream for five years? Well, I've lived here for 20 years and my dream will never include being woken every night by loud, intoxicated people puking and defecating on my doorstep.
DEAR SIR—I was dismayed to read Mr. Humphrey's television piece this week, in which he writes, "the no-neck girl is going to win [I Love Television, May 17]." This casual no-neck discrimination must end! We at the National Association to Advance No-Neck Acceptance (NAANA) call for the immediate removal of Mr. Humphrey as television reviewer, as well as the hiring of at least one alternatively necked individual at the Portland Mercury. Thank you.
PUFF, PUFF, PASS
DEAR MERCURY—Thank you lots 'n' bunches for publishing Stan White's letter on the legitimate and responsible sacramental adult use of cannabis ["What Would Jesus Smoke?" Letters, May 17]. Word around the office is that you, yourselves, have more or less consistently shown yourselves to be living proof that the legitimate and responsible adult sacramental use of cannabis leads directly to further legitimate and responsible behavior, including, I know I need not add, the legitimate and responsible use of cannabis. Also, on a more personal note, I'd like to just say this: the legitimate and responsible use of cannabis, as well as THE LEGITIMATE AND RESPONSIBLE USE OF CANNABIS.
Craig Fenson, Amateur Leprechaun, NATO
DARK LORD OF ERROR
GREETINGS, MAGGOTS—You hipster douchebag retards think you're so clever, don't you? If you hadn't been so busy chortling at ancient pictures of Immortal during your "cool new black metal phase," you'd know that King left Gorgoroth months ago due to ideological conflicts within the band [Music Issue, May 10]. There's just no WAY that he'd be chillin' with Infernus and rooting for the Brewers after all that bad blood! Burn on a crooked cross.
CONGRATULATIONS TO J for the informative and sinisterly entertaining letter! J wins two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch for two at No Fish! Go Fish!, where there are absolutely NO maggots.