THE DRUNKEST VOICEMAIL EVER
TO THE EDITOR VIA VOICEMAIL: "Alright, this is uh… a call, NO! A complaint about the review of puppet… night… drunk… shit… fuck… as it was clinically referred to by… your… media… source [Monkey Wrench Puppet Lab review, Feb 17]. I would like to say that it was not, as you call it, "screamingly funny," unless by screamingly funny you mean screamingly…--asinine and um, slow, and drawn out, and… and… boring! Jesus fucking Christ! I would have had more fun giving your grandma an enema! That's how bad this was. Um… so… in short… [giggles]… Oh crap! Okay, bye."
JUST THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW
TO THE EDITOR VIA VOICEMAIL: "Hello, my name's Rich. I was going through your newspaper here, and I noticed that your reporters are very vindictive, and they can't keep from cussing, dude! It's very trashy; this is no better than a fish wrapper as far as I'm concerned. I just wanted you to know I think your newspaper really sucks. Bye."
YOU SUCK; NOW REVIEW MY BOOK
DEAR JUSTIN SANDERS: This is the third time I've written to the Mercury. I guess I don't kiss ass well or hang out in coffee shops and pontificate about my writing to crowds enough for your attention, but a year ago I sent you a novel I wrote called More Booze Than Blood. Since then, I've gotten a review from The Circle Magazine in Pennsylvania in which--get this--the reviewer says I "single-handedly put Oregon on the small-press map." This is pretty odd since I can't even get a review from my local newspaper, not to mention the "hip" or "sarcastic" one.
I know that was just one person's opinion, but I've seen some of the horseshit you guys have reviewed, and it seems hard to believe a local person who's written something people could actually hear about through their local paper can't even get a review or even a tiny paragraph or anything--which kind of sucks.
This is just my opinion. Maybe you could give a shit less. I'm only writing based on positive feedback I've gotten from people who I never thought would like the thing. Anyway, do what you do--review or not. Your paper's still better than most others, not that that's saying much.
JESUS LOVES DR. PHIL
TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: Never have I read a story with so many words, that managed to say so little--almost nothing, really--except that you hate Dr. Phil, and want to "step on his fawking fat face" [I Love Television™, Feb 10]. My question is, why does he bring forth such anger in you? Or is it fear?
It was said by someone famous, that "the greatest thing a man can do is be known for who he truly is. " Do you know who you truly are? Do you know your soul? Without a soul we will never have lasting Peace. Only God gives us our true identity and souls. His son Jesus brings Peace and calm to life's storms, and can end all forms of hate and anger.
I love Dr. Phil. He has helped me understand a lot, he is a righteous man, and there are not too many around these days.
WHY DO I READ YOU?
DEAR MERCURY FOLKS: #1. Katie Shimer need not speak of her dislike for vegan food. It is very obvious [Veganopolis review, Feb 24]. In every photo of her you publish, it looks like she's shoplifting a tire. --Minus 8-year-old girls, who goes by the name--Katie anyway? Jesus.
#2. --I'm sorry to Chas Bowie, that he found OMSI's Grossology exhibit so painful ["Thanks, Just Looking," Feb 24]. --Maybe next time, rather than make any sort of attempt to--intellectually interest--the video game culture of today, OMSI can cater to cynical, private college, hipster douche bags--instead. -- Sorry OMSI is such a bummer, and beneath you, that you felt it necessary to publicly pan it. -- We all have our crosses to bear, I guess.
I--cannot for the life of me figure out why I read this fucking paper. Fuck Off.
WE THINK WE KNOW WHY you read the Mercury, Ryan… because we're the only paper who awards prizes for telling us to fuck off! Congratulations on winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week," which nets you two passes to the Laurelhurst and two tickets to see Mastodon at Dante's on April 8! AND DON'T FORGET FOLKS! This Friday, March 4, is the grand finale of the Mercury's Winter Prozac Film Festival featuring the hilarious classic Top Gun! There will be booze, heckling, prizes, and… guys in tighty-whitey underpants. Woo! Woo! What a way to go!