DEAR MERCURY—What made you assholes think that Lombard wanted to be compared to other shitty boozy streets ["82nd vs. Lombard," Feature, Jan 20]? We are both perfectly content with what we have across town from each other. We take pride in our local watering holes. The only way it won't turn into "new North Mississippi" is if you dickheads left us off the radar.
I have also seen some shit at the Tik Tok ["82nd vs. Lombard," Feature, Jan 20]—I started at the original on 112th and Division, and I helped open the Tik Tok II on 82nd as their part-time graveyard cook. Three days after we opened, some freak show shot someone at the ho-stroll motel next door, then ran over to the 7-Eleven, making the driveway to the bar a crime scene from which no one could leave. And back at the Division store, I was working one night when another creepy was caught by the female bartender jerkin' off, and he then "shot his wad" and THREW it toward her, which I'm sure could be considered assault with a deadly weapon in that neighborhood. All in all, though, they have great food—be sure to try the homemade meatloaf!
-Jo in Oregon City
DEAR MERCURY—The Mercury survives through the readers and the advertisers. So, when there are regular insults to older/mature adults, you are alienating a rather large group of your readers who might not choose to complain to your advertisers and who just won't pick up the Mercury anymore. [You] ran a feature article on "82nd vs. Lombard" [Feature, Jan 20]. To quote Dave Bow the writer: "The Mock Crest Tavern has been around for over half a century and many of its patrons probably remember the groundbreaking. HAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahha.... but seriously, there are a lot of old people there—in a cute way!" Blatant, insulting, arrogant. PLEASE, can we have some enlightened reviews without the writer's prejudice and bias against those who are not like them coming through in a "HAHAHAHAHAhahahah" kind of way?
DEAR MERCURY—Some things in life I just do not understand. One is how and when this Carrie Brownstein became a Portland icon overnight and decided she had the right to make a show about a city that she is not even from ["The Paradox of Portlandia," Feature, Jan 20]. Yeah. From that shitty band Sleater-Kinney. FROM SEATTLE?!!! The only thing amusing about this whole concept of Portlandia is how many people don't realize she is not from Portland.
DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY TEAM—First off, I'm writing to inform you that I can take 23 Justin Biebers in a fight according to this scientific quiz [on theoatmeal.com]. Secondly, I was very disappointed that your contact page does not include an email listing specializing in Justin Bieber tips. I'm thinking something like firstname.lastname@example.org.
EXCELLENT IDEA, NORA! We'll get the IT people on it ASAP. In the meantime, please enjoy two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, where the soup can take 23 cans of Campbell's in a fight.