TO THE EDITOR: Thank you so much for including AOL CDs in your fine weekly paper [June 30]--they make a handsome addition to my amateur shooting gallery. Words cannot express the awesomeness that occurs when a BB meets one at high velocity. I have written AOL numerous complaints regarding the slow rate at which my house is sent CDs. Five CDs a month is hardly enough fodder for a spirited (drunk) session of product durability testing. Thankfully the Mercury has the foresight to ensure everyone can maintain a strategic reserve of AOL discs for our children's future.
ROCKIN' BIG TITS
DEAR MERCURY: I take issue with Corey Smith [Employee Picks, June 16], who stated in his "Dos and Dont's" that girls shouldn't have big tits. I am a girl who proudly rocks a 36DD, and don't think a woman's beauty should be dictated by some skater asshole who had a bad experience with boobs. I say rock on to women whose enormous breasts continue to hypnotize the rest of the straight male and lesbian populations. Can I get a shout out for big tits!?!
SEX IS SO (SIGH…) TIRESOME
DEAR EDITOR: I am not outraged by your current SEX issue [July 14]. I wish I were, as it would imply you've found something new-ish to say about the world's oldest topic of gossip. Instead, I find myself sighing with exasperation at the inanity of a transparent lunge at upping circulation. Fortunately for the Mercury, your typical readers do seem to be gullible enough for such a trick to work.
The Mercury's sycophancy to its readers--who seem on the whole to be living out a prolonged adolescence--is just plain wearisome. Sigh.
GREAT, TELL THE WORLD I HAVE ERECTILE PROBLEMS
TO THE MERCURY: I was astonished to see a person I have regular "therapeutic" appointments with, telling the world about my "little problem" ["Call Me," July 14, in which escort "Greta" describes her working conditions].--"ER" as it has become to be known is no laughing matter.--As a fireman for the city of Portland I was hurt twice in the line of duty.--Once a building fell on me, and once I was blown out a window; think it's easy to get an erection after all that?
And--I do have a sex life outside of "Greta."--Please don't make me sound so desperate that I have to pay a young girl to give me a hand job. I can offer non-pros cocaine anytime and get a little action.--Next time show a little class and try not--to make it so obvious.
CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT
TO THE EDITOR: In the July 14 issue (hilarious) of the Mercury, the whine-fest from Chas Bowie pissed me off ["Thanks, Just Looking," July 14]. Every critic has a moral obligation to say that something is "dull and derivative" if it really is. If more critics were honest about good quality art, then the world would be less full of colonial-aluminum-sided-red-state-Wal-Mart-shopping-McDonald's-munching-fuckheads like Britney, and more art gods like Da Vinci. The only reason we have such problems with phony, fake, dull, sameness is because people value popularity over quality art.
Truly great artists lose their chance to shine because critics are worried about shit-canning their career over a popular thumbs-down. Chas, if you have a pair, tell the truth. To hell with looking like an ass. The arts need you.
CONGRATS TO SARAH for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week" which includes two tickets to the Laurelhurst, two passes to see Brian Jonestown Massacre at Dantes' on September 8th, and a $30 dinner at No Fish! Go Fish! We might not know art, but we know what we like!
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