BRET VOGEL'S SELF-LOVE
DEAR MERCURY: Did anyone notice that Bret Vogel of Crosstide picked his own album as one of his favorites of 2005 [Music, Dec 22]? Does he groove out to himself in the shower? Does he turn himself on full blast while driving? Does he make out with his girlfriend with himself blaring in the background? Shame on you, Bret Vogel.
BULBY'S BROWN EYE
TO AMY JENNIGES: [RE: "20 Things Not Invited Back to 2006," Dec 29, in which "Bulby," the Willamette Week's poorly drawn PGE light bulb mascot was not invited back to 2006 for being illustrated by a "clearly retarded fourth grade artist." Here is the response from WW artist Ryan Alexander-Tanner.]
THE MERCURY RESPONDS: After viewing Mr. Alexander-Tanner's latest work, we realize we have gravely insulted retarded fourth graders everywhere by comparing their artistic skill with that of Ryan's. But waitasecond... there's one thing missing from Ryan's drawing, and that's a hilarious CAPTION! That's why the Mercury is sponsoring a "What's Bulby Saying?" Caption Contest. Post your hilarious caption NOW in Blog Town, USA (www.portlandmercury.com) on the Portland Mercury Users' Group forum, in the "It's On! Caption Contest" thread. The best caption will win $25 and a box of (actual, not poorly drawn) light bulbs.
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS
DEAR MERCURY: The last issue placed Vancouver at the top of your list of things not invited back in 2006 ["20 Things Not Invited Back to 2006," Dec 29]. We own Portland, you idiot. We schlep across the creek everyday to do the jobs you incompetent morons can't. People don't commute to wash your dishes or edit your weaklies [sic]. We do what we have to, then we wipe our asses, wash our hands, and go home to our pristine mansions. A little daily downtime in a traffic tie-up is a small price to pay for not having a MAX line and the negro problem it would undoubtedly import.
Anonymous Vancouver Resident
THE MERCURY RESPONDS: Negro problem?? Add, "racial attitudes not popular since the 1930s" to our list of shitty things about Vancouver.
PANTY DUDES 4 EVA
DEAR WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: Shame on you for making PantyDudes.com an "Out" last week ["The Mercury's In & Out List for 2006," Dec 29]. "Out and In" lists are reserved for old grandma publications à la Portland Monthly, Willamette Week, Parade, VICE magazine, etc. While it's disturbing to be placed in the same column as G. W. Bush, Sam Alito, and Nick Lachey, the worst is "Pants Over Dresses." Did you mean "Dresses Over Pants"? This gross editing oversight is the sweater-thread by which your whole Out list unravels.
How can PantyDudes.com be "Out" when it was never "In"? We've only had the site up two weeks and it's already passé? I'll be the first to admit that our idea of hot dudes in women's panties may be a one-trick pony. But it does deserve the same amount of misguided attention as an impromptu mayoral bid by Phil Busse (who will be appearing in a PantyDudes.com photo spread this month). If you can find it in your heart to apologize, you know where you can find us. We'll be on set, taking pictures of Nick Lachey and Sam Alito wearing women's panties. Just make sure that you come with some pants over your dress.
Fury and Camaro, PantyDudes.com
CONGRATULATIONS to Fury and Camaro for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week" and be sure to check out PantyDudes.com! For their defense of men who enjoy wearing panties, they will receive two tickets to see The Supersuckers on Thursday, Feb 9 at Dante's and two tickets to the Laurelhurst. We presume they'll be wearing ladies' underwear on both occasions.