ADAM GNADE: PRIDE OF GRESHAM HIGH
TO THE EDITOR: Just out of curiosity, how old is [music editor] Adam Gnade? If he's a student at Gresham High who eagerly makes the commute into Portland to work for free, then everything's cool—I get it, he'll develop eventually. If he's a college graduate or a paid employee, then the Mercury's editor is sending a clear message that he has downgraded his standards for featured writers. Before Adam your staff shared the remarkable ability to produce caustic, cheap hype that retained a sense of flow and sometimes made use of good grammar. Adam's work highlights a shift toward uninformed, watery reporting that lacks true bite. While it's true that Adam connects well with the 12-14-year-old demographic, these readers do not go to the shows or sex shops advertised by the businesses who pay your bills. If you don't decide to immediately fire Adam, at least stop him from writing about subjects with which he has no experience, such as music, politics, and Portland culture.
KIDS CAN'T STOP READING "CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE" STORIES!
TO THE EDITOR: "Choose Your Own Adventure" stories are the best thing to come along since reading was invented.
Alison Bonet, age 11
DEAR MERCURY: I ain't so smart. And I'm [sic] don't like to read. But now I read "Choose Your Own Adventure" stories from the beginning to almost the end.
Chris Brougham, age 13
TO THE MERCURY: I love the control I can exert over your "Choose Your Own Adventure" stories. It's the one place where my fucking parents can't tell me what to do. God! I fucking hate my parents SO MUCH!
Trisha Davies, age 9
TO THE EDITOR: My students absolutely adore the Mercury's "Choose Your Own Adventure" articles. They remain quiet for hours at a time, freeing me up to complain about my salary, and wash away the troubles of the world with pills.
Mrs. Sandra Farmer, teacher, St. Sebastian Elementary
A NOTE FROM HUMPY'S MOM
TO THE EDITOR: In my work in this plagued city, I have loathsome occasion to view your publication. The mocking, blind arrogance and ignorance of your writers have compelled me to reach out. Certain "highly placed" females on your staff in particular seem to make a mission out of glorifying their enormous appetite for drunkenness, chemical abuse, and real or imagined depraved sexual behavior.
I have watched as they beg alcohol from hordes of losers and idiots, swilling gross amounts of poison as their brains die and their ravaged bodies swell from the gluttony. One of these bloated sluts turned her attentions to me as I watched her sickening display. Her glazed, vacant eyes hungrily attacked me, seeking yet another fix for her carnal urges. But your pulsing nipples and trembling thighs shall not have me. My body has a higher purpose than servicing your squirming flesh. The stench of your desire has no power over me.
Know that Truth will find you, even as you kneel in the puddles of an abandoned parking lot, puking the seed of another wretched poser through your cracked, diseased lips. Spread wide for Truth and it shall enter you. Let the mighty power of Knowledge fill you, and you will shake with the ultimate fulfillment.
CONGRATULATIONS TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY'S MOM for winning the Mercury Letter of the Week! For correctly seeing through our façade (and for using the words, "pulsing nipples"), Wm. Steven Humphrey's mom wins a $30 gift certificate to No Fish! Go Fish! as well as tix to see The Greenhornes at Berbati's on March 26.
MERCURY KARAOKE CHALLENGE WINNERS!
UPDATE! In a truly nail-biting squeaker of a finish, the Chopsticks Karaoke Team reigned supreme in Sunday's Mercury Karaoke Challenge against the golden throats of the Boiler Room. Both teams brought their A-game to the proceedings, nailing song after song, and whipping the crowd into a frenzy. In fact, the contest was so tight, it took TWO tiebreakers to decide the winners! (Do we smell a rematch?) Congrats to both teams for a great performance, and keep watching the Mercury for details on next month's Karaoke Challenge!