WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW
DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY: I thoroughly appreciated the "New Column" ["Americans Who Say 'Yes!' to Human-Animal Hybrids," Feb 9] that highlighted President Bush's discriminatory comment against human-animal hybrids. However, how could you forget the best human-animal hybrid of all time: Chabio? Check him out at chengwin.com. This half-chicken, half-Fabio superhero fights for justice, and fights for LOVE! What the world needs is more humanimal hybrids like him!
AN ASSET TO OUR COMMUNITY
DEAR MERCURY: Roy Smallwood may be a self-important twit, but at least he whines like a dickless panty waist. [Letters, Mar 2, in which Roy Smallwood "fucking dared us" to print his letter accusing the Mercury editorial staff of, among other things, being "cheerleaders of indifference."] That said, instead of snapping back at him with your canonical sarcasm, you should've convivially recommended a few surrogate publications that would better suit his turd-stained palate. There's the Oregonian, Better Homes and Gardens, Mr. Good Judgment Magazine, or I'm A Dickless Twit Quarterly (to name a few). I love the Mercury and I think I speak for myself when I say your crack-dandy rag is truly an asset to our venerated community.
THIS IS JUSTIN'S DAY JOB
JUSTIN: You don't like Mark Vicente. [Film Shorts, March 2, in which Justin Sanders has a great big brain fart, incorrectly naming Mark Vicente as the producer of the film Illusion] Big Deal. You don't like Illusion. Big Deal. The fact that you hate Mark Vicente so much that you can't think straight, that's a bit of a problem. You see, Mark Vicente had nothing to do with Illusion. He didn't write it, direct it, act in it, and he most certainly didn't produce it. He watched it just like you did and thought it was good. He gave us a quote, to which you took offense. In your inane diatribe against him, you felt compelled to trash our movie because somehow in that twisted little brain of yours, Mark Vicente was mocking you, the voice of all that is cool and hip in Portland. Feel how you want about Vicente, and Illusion for that matter. I don't care. I can find many who feel differently about both. Base your review on what you actually saw. At the very least, get your facts straight. If you want to make things up, let people know, "Hey, none of this is true, but it's gonna make a killer 'fuck you' column." Don't quit your day job. At least Jayson Blair had talent.
Scott Disharoon, Producer, Illusion
JUSTIN SANDERS RESPONDS: My deepest apologies for this egregious error. Mark Vicente did not produce Illusion, and I was wrong to associate him with the film without due cause. Thank you for keeping us honest, and please refer to film shorts on page 54 for a corrected reprint of the Illusion review.
PLEASE BE NICE TO ADAM GNADE
DEAR MERCURY: For Christ's sake Humpy, do you HAVE to print Adam Gnade hate mail EVERY WEEK?! [Letters, virtually every issue of the Mercury for the past two months.] What gives? We've gotta assume that you're diggin' his work, otherwise you'd send him off to join the grocery cart parade down on Burnside, right? And what a pig-brained move that would be! Gnade packs more passion into a paragraph than Zac Pennington puts into beating off to his AP Stylebook. (Not that we're not glad Pennington stuck around after the much-needed change of command; he has his moments.) But seriously, the letters to the ed section would have us believe that Gnade is blowing a soggy, limp mass of bad grammar and uninformed hipster love tomes out of his well-oiled ass, arranging it halfheartedly on Lisa Frank stationary and turning it in to you with a shrug and crossed fingers, when, in fact, WE KNOW he's actually doing a really swell job and that we're all LUCKY to have him. Would it KILL YOU to show some fucking solidarity? Or, barring that, could you just give us, and Gnade, a break?!
CONGRATULATIONS TO JOHNNY for moving us with his compassion, and for winning the Mercury Letter of the Week! He gets two tickets to see the Greenhornes on Thurs April 20 at Dante's, as well as $30 at No Fish! Go Fish! And just so you know, even if maybe we don't always remember to say it enough, we love Adam very much.