A BIGGER DOG
TO THE EDITOR: This is in response to "Alan" who responded to the I, Anonymous ["Speed Kills," March 30] in which a pug puppy was killed by a speeder. I agree there are a lot of irresponsible pet owners out there. On the other hand, dogs are dogs, and shit happens. I'm betting that somewhere in Alan's past he was probably racing around and hit a dog, and most likely didn't stop 'cause of course it's the owner's fault the dog is in the street. So Alan, if you're ever driving around town and you see a guy about 6'4", 275 pounds walking a Boston Terrier, stop and introduce yourself so I can let my (in your words) "designer yuppie fuck dog" piss on your head.
BANISH THE KINGDOM
DEAR MERCURY: I am so sick of hearing about the Kingdom every time they play. Every time they fart in a mic, the Mercury lavishes them with praise that just barely fails to mask the cronyism behind it all. We all know a certain member of the Kingdom works at the Mercury [Jenna Roadman, who freelances for us, plays the keyboard in the Kingdom]. Hell, you've admitted it a million times in as many write-ups. I like the members, I like the Mercury, I just want a little more objectivity regarding your music section.
TO THE WONDERFUL CREW AT THE MERCURY: It has come to my attention that none of your film critiques are to be trusted. When it was first brought to my attention, I thought it was just a coincidence, that three people from three separate areas of my life all have conclusive evidence that whatever movie you liked, Willamette Week hated, and vice versa. I dislike the WW as much as any of your cronies, but I want to trust your taste. After all, I look to you for shows, upcoming artists, and your delightful celeb gossip. But for Christ's sake, won't you please stop pussyfooting around and stand up for some goddamn good movies!
BEAT ME UP... PLEASE
TO THE EDITOR: It takes a lot to piss me off. Well, Merc, you have fulfilled that deed with your latest front page pictorial [Cover, April 6]. What am I speaking about? Oh yes, that's right. The woman holding a greasy cheeseburger wearing a T-shirt that reads, "Beating up guys makes me hungry." Since when has it become chic to help inflame gender wars with acts of violence? "Oh, TV, movies, and books do it all the time against women," you may retort. Well, Merc, I thought you might have risen above all that tomfoolery and stuck to the subversive. Just think of it in these terms. How would the Portland chapter of NOW react to some guy holding a beer, wearing a T-shirt that reads, "Raping women makes me thirsty?" There would be riots in the street and you know that.
CHARLIE SHEEN'S NO CRACKPOT
TO ANN ROMANO: Last week you dissed Charlie Sheen for expressing his views about a 9/11 government conspiracy, calling them "crackpot theories." [One Day at a Time, March 30] Yeah, maybe he's a has-been actor, but that doesn't mean he can't have rational ideas. If you took five seconds to stop obsessing over Hollywood gossip and look at what actually happened, you might see that the buildings collapsed in a completely vertical, controlled manner, and that no scientist has yet to prove how jet fuel, which burns at a little over 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit, was able to melt a steel structure, which melts at about 2,500 degrees. Put down your magazines and pick up a physics book, and you'll see how impossible the scenario was. Or read one of the dozens of books written by experts about the conspiracy. Better yet, just keep re-posting bile from "entertainment" magazines and spouting the corporate media's propaganda, it's what you do best.
CONGRATULATIONS TO SCIPIO for defending Charlie Sheen's courage in questioning the actions of our government. And though this particular conspiracy theory is particularly idiotic, we're still giving Scipio tickets to see the New Amsterdams at Dante's on Thurs May 25 and $30 to No Fish! Go Fish!, who are definitely not complicit in any government conspiracies. (OR ARE THEY?)
FILL OUT YOUR SEX SURVEY!
HEY YOU! Don't forget! You have until WEDNESDAY, APRIL 19 to fill out the hilarious, sexy, and INFORMATIVE Mercury Sex Survey. Find it online NOW at portlandmercury.com!