DEAR MERCURY—Outside of the "Police Blotter" your parody wasn't very funny ["Here's Your Troutdale Trout!" Feature, Oct 27, in which the Mercury "dressed up" for Halloween as a small-town publication]. I lived in Laurelhurst, and later I lived in Troutdale for a year. The second-rate comedy show on the IFC [Portlandia] reminded me very much of Laurelhurst. Living in Troutdale reminded me of the best series of all time: Twin Peaks. In Mulholland Drive, [David] Lynch puts the character of Adam, the pretentious, smug film director of the overpaid creative class, against the Cowboy. The Cowboy is like Troutdale: genuine, small town, intense, rooted in the past, perhaps. Adam is the elitist journalist class, the six percent, Laurelhurst and places like it, and people of that sort. Guess whose side David Lynch is on??
DEAR MR. THERIAULT—After witnessing the removal of Occupy Wall Street protesters [AKA Occupy Portland protesters] in Jamison Square in the "heart of the Pearl," I cannot help but ask the question: Did our public officials cave to pressure from the more affluent residents of Portland? The explanation was that the protesters were disturbing the tenants of surrounding Jamison Square. Don't people live near Chapman or Lownsdale Square? Doesn't federal (constitutional) law trump city convenience ordinances? Just askin'...
DEAR MERC—Have been in Portland since before many of y'all were born ["Occupy My Lunch Break," Letters, Nov 3, in which a reader complains that the Occupy movement has made formerly green spaces accessed by downtown workers unavailable]. I liked Lownsdale Square and its adjoining park as green spaces, but I, a middle-aged man who has to make his living driving around these protesting areas, like these green spaces better as Occupy Portland. Occupy them.
-Brian A. Cobb
DEAR EDITOR—I was thrilled to read your profile of Bridget Pilloud, Pet Detective ["The Pet Whisperer," Feature, Nov 3, an interview with a local intuitive who has worked extensively with animals]. Like Ms. Pilloud I'm also a real psychic. I don't specialize in pets like Ms. Pilloud, but I am excellent at communicating with newspaper editors, who as we all know are far more difficult—and dangerous—to communicate with than your average disgruntled dog. With my magical powers, I can help you understand why Wm. Steven Humphrey is such an asshole, and help you understand why your paper's occasional insightful news stories are watered down with so much organic, grade-A bullshit. I can also match Ms. Pilloud's prices—I'd be happy to provide your staff with Life Shift Sessions for a mere $859, beating Ms. Pilloud by 40 bucks! I look forward to next week's profile of Gandalf the Grey's Tarot Card Emporium.
WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY RESPONDS: Thanks for your letter, Michael! Though I don't give two shits about Life Shift Sessions for my staff (fuck 'em), I am interested to know how much you charge for helping me understand why I'm an asshole. My own pursuit has yielded no results.
AAANNNNND, even though he insulted our totes fave pet psychic and suggested our editor in chief is an "asshole," Michael wins the letter of the week, because it was kind of funny. You win two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, asshole! AND SPEAKING OF LIFE-SHIFTING EVENTS! Tickets to the HUMP! Amateur Porn Festival are so effing sold out that we went ahead and added an additional screening for 4:30 pm on Saturday, November 19—this is your absolute, final, last chance, so hit portlandmercury.com/hump and get your tickets today!