[Welcome to our annual roundup of the best letters of the year—a sample of the strange and wonderful things readers sent us in 2011.—Eds.]
PORTLAND MERCURY—I believe it important that Kanye West ought not be made fun of sans angry, nonsensical rebuke ["Cognac Concerns," Letters, April 7]. I will have you know that the jaunty way in which you poked fun at this multimillionaire pop star is absolutely unconscionable and it will not stand! Can you not see that he's black? I will have you know that Portland could use a lesson in "race-relations building," and Mr. West is to be considered off limits until such time as said relations are as smooth as Kanye's unblemished bum.
DEAR MERCURY—I'm so sick of everyone comparing every situation looked upon as an unexpected failure to Chernobyl ["Blaze of Our Lives," April 21]. There's nothing wrong with using historical disasters as rhetorical devices, but Jesus Christ, it's not the only thing that ever happened that seemed great at first and then sucked. The Blazers are Chernobyl, the United States banking system is Chernobyl, the war in Afghanistan, etc. Not everything is Chernobyl! Ezra Ace Caraeff didn't even use the former part of the metaphor's meaning, just that Dallas always fails in the playoffs and therefore they fail like Chernobyl, which doesn't even really make sense.
What, are you fucking kidding me? A Portland Patio Pages [special advertising section] now? Have you been outside lately? What's next, a gift of Stolichnaya that's filled with water and not sweet, sweet booze? Eff you for reminding me of the good time in the sun I'm not having. And here I was totally enjoying this week's issue until you totally Chernobyled me with this bullshit.
DEAR HUMPY—I am horrified at the description you made in this week's I Love Television column about Tom Welling's nipples ["Nipples No More," I Love Television, May 12]. If Welling's nipples are 1.2 inches in circumference, as you've described, they're only going to be about three-eighths of an inch in diameter. Toy Chihuahuas have bigger nipples than that! And if Welling's nipples are also five-stacked-quarters high, as you've also described, they're going to look more like the barrels of BB guns than like any nipples I'd ever want to gaze at longingly. Please be more diligent in your nipple descriptions in the future.
AAAAARG ["Set Phasers for Learn!" Theater, July 7, in which the Mercury provides a Star Trek primer in advance of Trek in the Park performances]! Ships don't run on dilithium, they run on a matter-antimatter reaction, which the dilithium modulates. It's like saying a fuel cell runs on platinum! No! It runs on HYDROGEN! Is there no end to the betrayals I must suffer?!?
-posted by jamdox
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—Oh hi, I uh, just was leaving a message 'cause I was reading the Mercury. I was reading your coverage of the Portland Lesbian & Gay Film Festival ["RE: Dolly Parton, Vampires," Film, Sept 29], um... and I'm just confused, 'cause under your coverage, you have under a number of the films "See Film pg. 56." And pg. 56 is just... it looks to me... well, maybe that's what... I guess it's just this general article. Um... okay. I guess I was just confused, I thought you had specific reviews for these films, and you're just giving a general synopsis, so... I guess you're just doing a general thing. Okay! Thanks, bye-bye.