VULVEENA: IT'S THE CHEESIEST
DEAR SIRS, MADAMS, AND KIDS—In Ms. Romano's column [One Day at a Time], she consistently misidentifies that which is viewed under the skirt of a panty-less tinsel-tart as a vaheena; to wit, a vagina. What she sees, and unfortunately what we see on TMZ, is a vulva. But as she is a satiric writer, she does need something a bit catchier than vulva. Please accept my humble suggestion: vulveena.
ALL THAT NOISE
HELLO—I WAS extremely disappointed to read Andrew Tonry's poorly written criticism of the Yellow Swans. [Up & Coming, March 13, see Once More with Feeling, pg. 35, for more of Mr. Tonry's thoughts on what music is.]. While there are valid things to criticize about noise music, simply denying its status as music is intellectually and critically lazy. While it doesn't surprise me that Mr. Tonry feels this way, the real shame here lies with the editors. Criticism can be as pointless and noisy as any band.
IN THE POOPER
DEAREST MERCURY—This letter is for Soup, in response to his response of my letter ["Women's Orgasms: A Man's Perspective," Letters, March 20]. As we (I) have likened the clitoris to the penis (since each is the main source of pleasure for the female and male, respectively), we may also liken the G-spot to the perineum on a male. The G-spot, like the perineum, is another source of pleasure, though, again, not the "main" one. Some women can orgasm from G-spot stimulation, but the majority of them don't, or won't, or haven't. The point is, perineum stimulation and G-spot stimulation are great, but are SECONDARY to penile and clitoral stimulation. Trust me. Take it from someone who's able to get off a girl just as easily (or nearly) as she can get off a guy. All human beings deserve style, patience, technique, knowledge, and communication, but if you're in the mood for a quickie, a bit of know-how goes a long way. I'm all for exploring every aspect of your partner's body. Just don't forgo clitoral stimulation completely and replace it with G-spot stimulation. 'Cause that's like searching for the Holy Grail when you've already got the Golden Ticket in your hand. Ya dig?
IN DEFENSE OF THE HAMMER
DEAR MERCURY—I decided to see The Hammer (despite your negative review), and although it wasn't an "A" movie, I'd say it was at least 100 times funnier and more enjoyable than recent bombs like Good Luck Chuck or Fool's Gold ["Adam Carolla Must Be Stopped," Film, March 20]. It certainly deserved a better review than you could muster, as I suspect you sent an already anti-Carolla pinhead to the film, whose mind was made up before she set foot into the theater. Basically you gave a solid "B" movie an "F," which is unfortunate.
DEAR MERCURY—Now that is what I call JOURNALISM ["Eight Things You Can Learn from Cindy the Erotic Pleaser," Feature, March 20]! We here (at an undisclosed location) believe Cindy "the erotic pleaser" ROCKS! As others have come and gone from the back pages, we recognize Cindy "The Erotic Pleaser" has remained at the top page, in color, dominating the industry. So Thursday morning when I stopped into the Red Wing to pick up two copies of your paper, I was completely blown away with joy to know that your staff believes in what the people want... Cindy "The Erotic Pleaser," you go, girl!
COMPETITIVE LETTER WRITING
DEAR MERCURY—I can't resist telling you how much I enjoy one aspect of your paper. Each week people seem to be competing to win the letter of the week prize. I have to wonder if people are trying to be extra expressive, lyrical, and even erudite to win a night out on the town—or are they just trying to express an opinion? Not only do I appreciate the competition, but I get to read the thoughts of others, and recently I even got some free sex advice from a reader who sort of won the prize, but didn't really. Now if you could just publish an in-depth interview with Harlot I'd be totally satisfied.
WELL, DAVID, you tell us: Were you trying to be extra expressive/lyrical/erudite, or are you just trying to express an opinion? Either way, you won the Mercury letter of the week for not bragging about how good you are at locating G-spots or putting your finger up people's butts. So, you get two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!