VOTING WITH THE COOL KIDS
RE: "Voting Cheat Sheet" [Feature, Oct 18], in which we list the Mercury's endorsements after explaining our reasoning behind each choice. It makes it super easy to agree with us, but no pressure.
DEAR MERCURY—You guys effing rock! I mean, I go to you guys for music advice, to see what my fellow forward-thinking Portlanders are doing in the sack, movies, restaurant and bar choices, and now—Jesus, I can hardly contain myself—a voting cheat sheet! Look, I moved here because smart people are in abundance and by "smart" I mean they know what's up with music, fashion, food, politics, and not being a douche in general. I didn't come here to sharpen my critical thinking skills—all I want to do is enjoy what Portland has built, and all you have to do is move here and your mag is like a guide to fitting in. One of my roommates said that the beauty in this issue was the way you use your "countercultural capital to further an agenda of consumer conformity, meaning that we agree by what we wear, where we shop, what we listen to, etc., by definition giving us an identity we can adopt that seemingly opposes the other side, who, by the way, are also consumers... now they're expanding into political branding, sweet." Not quite sure what the fuck he was talking about, but he said that essentially that's why I find Portlandia a hoot and he doesn't. Just point me in the right direction.
MAD ABOUT BAGS
RE: "Should Portland's Bag Ban Include a Charge for Paper? Leonard, Saltzman Skeptical" [Blogtown, Oct 10], regarding a proposal for stronger penalty against shoppers who don't carry reusable bags by charging for paper bags.
I am strongly in favor of a better plastic bag ban here in Portland. I mean, for the love of all things holy, this is Portland. Corvallis even has a better one than us (and Eugene, just recently). A paper bag fee will even help businesses by covering the cost of their paper bags. What reason do you have not to support this? You need something to pick up your little doggie dumps? There are so many other ways to do that. This definitely needs to happen, and soon.
Elliott J Karten
EATING UP THE RICH
RE: "Our Annual Halloween Dress-Up Issue!" [Feature, Oct 25], in which we donned the affectations of our glossier-paged colleagues in the local magazine trade, refined tastes, privileged palates, and all.
MESSRS—The most recent installment of your periodical trifle invoked such mirth that one almost chortled aloud, causing one to spritz champagne through one's olfactoral passages; practically inducing an expression on the domestic staff's "faces" (if one can be so bold as to describe their countenances as such). How can one then look down one's nose at the help when one has Dom Pérignon dripping onto the table linen? Quel désastre! Do be so kind as to exhibit only the best and quietest taste in the future.
O. Harcourt Crenshaw-Mellon (Robert Triptow)
If I were you guys, I would have one of your lame duck interns check the mail/open all packages for the next couple of weeks—this latest stunt of yours is liable to upset a few characters. It's all fun and games, yeah, but that "herbal proctologists" bit was way over the line. And that "Canine Inch Nails'" thing is flat-out outrageous, even for you. If you stay on this train of wanton insolence for much longer, someone is going to send you guys a stylish, mauve-tinged box containing two dollops of Bichon Frise feces, composed mostly of quail foie gras and "felony flats-born" squirrel thighs, with a dash of artisanal baking soda for texture and a splash of "Fiberified Purina Elite" for Fifi's excretory comfort in producing said delight. And you'll fucking deserve it.
posted by human in training
MAYBE SO, HIT, maybe so. But for now it's at least clear what you fucking deserve: two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, where you'll have to leave your Bichon Frise at the door, sadly.