[Welcome to the 2012 edition of our annual roundup of the best Mercury letters/comments of the past year! Enjoy the memories, and don't forget to write to us in 2013!—Eds.]
RE: My, What a Busy Week! [July 5], in which we accompanied our endorsement of a screening of Raiders of the Lost Ark with a still from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, also repeated on Blogtown on Monday, July 9, the night of the screening in question. If you were wondering if you could get away with that—apparently you can't.
WHOA MERCURY, WTF?—Do you think us rubes? Do you believe us to be so benighted a readership that we can't differentiate separate works of great art? Look at the man's own stunned look, tossed into My, What a Busy Week! ostensibly promoting Raiders of the Lost Ark, with his shirt clearly half Bruce Springsteened from Temple of Doom. Why not just plop in a crystal skull? Because, hey, who fucking cares—it's only Indiana Jones, right?
RE: "The Creepiest Love Songs of All Time" [Music, Feb 9], which should be self-explanatory.
The story you wrote about CREEPY songs is WRONG. Get your facts straight or DON'T write.
DEAREST MERCURY—The seagulls are the greatest recent addition to the city. I don't care for all the shitbags driving around, acting like their lives are in any way meaningful. When I see a seagull casually plop out a white blob of poop onto the dirt in the Park Blocks, it satisfies me so much to think that all of these atheist-political assholes will complain about having to pay tax dollars to repair the Park Blocks if the rain doesn't wash it away.
RE: "Daddy Dearest" [I, Anonymous, March 8], in which the author complains that the mommies of Portland unfairly judge his parenting ability.
Finally, an interesting I, Anonymous! Fitting that it's in an edition celebrating whiny contraceptors, too. Guys like this will soon run the no-plastic-except-to-wrap-my-schlong childless aging Portlandia types into the sea, as our grandchildren renege on paying Social Security to their self-indulgent STD-laden selves, leaving them to starve to death as they watch old reruns of West Wing, HAHAHA!!!!
posted by NeroFather
Haw haw, good one! Except that the extreme left-wing liberal contraceptors won't be starving to death. They're too busy running the media, cranking out their LIES about real Americans, drinking lattes in their liberal limousines, coming up with new sex acts and new ways to redefine marriage, having orgasms and catching STDs from using condoms, and composting food scraps like queers, while they're SUPPOSED to be having children and burning fossil fuels and eating meat and potatoes and apple pie!
posted by geyser
RE: One Day at a Time [April 5], in which author Ann Romano expresses distaste at the notion of January Jones eating capsules of her placenta (not that gross) and Alicia Silverstone chewing up her baby's food and spitting it in his mouth (hella gross).
DEAR MERCURY—Ann feigns shock at the pagan peasant practice of new mothers eating their placentas, a trick learned from observing the smart beasts they once lived among, and passed on to January Jones by her doula. Afterbirth placenta is full of vitamins and minerals that quickly replenish the new mother's body, not to mention strengthen her up for the next 52 weeks of sleepless baby care. Women who gobble down the internal organs of cows, pigs, and chickens without a qualm, but then go "EEK!" at the notion of ingesting their own post-birth body part, as nature recommends, mirror the frail Victorian lady who gasps and faints at the sight of blood, when everybody knows she sops up her own menstrual fluid every month from age 12 or so, with rags she must wash out and reuse, no pills, tampons, scented undies, etc. Not to mention carrying around another human body inside her body for 10 months, then delivering it in a howling red horror flick scenario sufficient to make not only her, but often her male partner, vomit and/or swoon. This stiletto bitch faux "femininity" grows tiresome, even as a gossipy joke. Scary tough women live smarter, longer, and have more fun. Good show, January and Alicia Silverstone.
RE: Music Listings [May 17].
DEAR MERCURY SHIT-FOR-BRAINS—Really?! Our brilliant Oregon Symphony crams close to 90 musicians onto the Schnitzer stage for their final blowout concert of the classical season, but you can't be bothered to bestow one of your measly little recommendation stars on the event? I swear to fucking god I am never reading your so-called newspaper again.
Brian Horay, Angry Symphony Guy
RE: The @endhits Twitter feed, your portal to the Mercury's music blog—the bestest music blog in Portland—and more!
DEAR MERCURY—You know, I sometimes really love reading your End Hits tweets. And then there are the in-concert tweets, which are just so fucking awful. "This band is so good." "This band is SO good." "No one on earth understands how fucking good this band is." We got it the first 15 times: You love the fucking band. So could you please just split those off into a separate feed?
MUSIC EDITOR NED LANNAMANN RESPONDS: No. Thanks for following!
RE: "Dog Water" [I, Anonymous, July 12], in which an anonymous author rails on the practice of allowing dogs to drink from public water fountains.
DEAR DOG WATER—To help ensure the safety of your child's water, I wanted to include other things that have come in contact with the water fountain:
Nasty pigeon poop
People with STDs/prostitutes
Other people in general
Other people's kids who eat sand, pocket change, and anything/everything that's on the floor
Urination from drunken people
Old beverages that are being disposed of
For future cleanliness, I would suggest bringing a bottle of water. While you're at it, you probably shouldn't have your child play on the playground, play in the downtown fountains, have friends, eat un-organic food, or ever swim in a public pool. Always watch them sleep. Also, I sincerely doubt you have any pets (unless you count the stick up your ass).
Concerned for Your Child's Welfare
RE: "True Tales of TriMet Terror" [Feature, Aug 9] and "Great Gobbledigook" [Music, Aug 9], a purposefully facetious Sigur Rós article. The other one was totally straight-faced.
DEAR MERCURY—Twice in one issue the word "inchoate" pops up? That shit flies off the page like a kitten in a catapult. Don't let it happen again, showoffs.
RE: "So I Saw The Expendables 2 for You Guys" [Blogtown, Aug 20], in which Film Editor Erik Henriksen briefly contends that there are no sunsets in Albania.
REALLY? They don't have sunsets in Albania? That's weird because it is a country that's right in the Mediterranean—for those who DON'T KNOW—smack in the middle of Southeastern Europe with the most amazing sunsets at sea, mountain, lake, rivers. It might have been a VERY poor country—what do you expect after living 50 years under a communist tyranny? They have done the best they could, trying to learn everything from the beginning. Think of it this way: Albania was revived after being 50 years in a coma, and has to learn everything as a newborn, so don't go making fun of Albanians and Albania. It is a shame that it is being used as the backdrop for a lot of crime-infested movies, the least you could do is [not] slander the populace and the God-given sunsets.
posted by Rezarta Dyryzi-Zotaj
RE: "'Beards for Breasts' Photoshoot Leads to Standoff on Burnside Bridge" [Blogtown, Aug 29], regarding a bizarre episode in which police shut down the Burnside Bridge after receiving a report of a group of bearded men with an assault rifle. It turned out to be a photoshoot for a calendar raising money for breast cancer research.
Thirteen guys with beards got into trouble? The last time that happened, Leonardo da Vinci got a painting out of it.
posted by Todd Mecklem
MERC—Perry Mason no longer airs at noon. I was instead subjected to Rachael Ray on my sick day. Please send a journalist to KPTV and find out who is responsible for this sacrilege posthaste.